


22.8 Years

by punkcatknitter



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3801886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkcatknitter/pseuds/punkcatknitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jess was different when he came back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally decided to archive my old GG fics here for posterity, with the original author's notes if I still have them. Some are better than others, but I was so proud of them at the time.

**Prologue**

Jess was different when he came back.

Everyone noticed, especially Luke. The events of the last year seemed strange in retrospect, to say the least. Then, when Jess showed up on Luke's doorstep like that, his clothes ragged and dirty, looking like he hadn't slept in weeks, well, it really set the town's tongues a 'wagging.

"Jess?" Luke pulled open the door.

His gaze was met my bloodshot eyes. "You moved the spare key," Jess croaked, his voice low and raspy.

"Yeah."

Luke opened the door further and Jess silently slipped into the diner.

"Got anything to eat?"

Luke blinked. "Jess, this is a diner."

Jess lifted the lid off of a container on the counter and grabbed one of the previous morning's stale donuts, eating it practically in a single gulp.

"Hungry?" Luke raised an eyebrow.

"No."

Luke nodded slowly and walked towards him. There was a pause before he spoke. "What are you doing here, Jess?"

Jess shrugged and avoided looking at him.

"Are you staying?"

Jess raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly. He watched Luke's expression carefully as if waiting for permission.

Luke wasn't ready to let things be that simple. He hadn't lied when he said that he'd always be there for Jess, but something was wrong.

Very wrong.

"Why?"

"Excuse me?"

Luke cleared his throat. "Why do you want to stay here?"

"It won't cost you anything. I'll work in the diner, pay rent, whatever you want."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I," Jess paused, closing his eyes and rubbing the side of his forehead.

Luke gave him a strange look. "Are you okay?"

"Just a headache."

Luke nodded slightly.

"Can I stay?"

Luke nodded again. "Of course you can."

And that was how it came about that Jess Mariano, resident bad boy, came to be found back in Stars Hollow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sections in italics are scenes from season four taken directly from the show and expanded to show Jess' state of mind at the time.

**Chapter One**

"Jess is back."

Lorelai wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't heard it coming straight from Luke's mouth. "He's what?"

"He's back." Luke removed his baseball cap long enough to run a hand through his hair, then replaced it on his head as if the nervous tic had never occurred.

Lorelai frowned. When she had been dragged into the alley beside the diner by Luke before she could get inside for some coffee, she had been expecting a heated make-out session, not the news of the century.

She had Patty and Babette for that.

"What do you mean, 'Jess is back'?" she finally asked.

"I mean he's back." Luke swallowed. "I found him on my doorstep last night when I came back from your place."

Lorelai blinked. "So you decided to keep him?"

"I can't turn him out!" Luke checked behind him to make sure no one was listening, although in a town like Stars Hollow, it was safe to assume someone always was. "You should have seen him, Lorelai. Something happened."

"Like what?"

He shook his head. "I don't know, but he attacked a pile of stale donuts like he hadn't seen food in a week."

"Ew." Lorelai shuddered. "Not the ones that were sitting on the counter yesterday?"

Luke nodded. "The very same ones.

"Gross." Lorelai wrinkled her nose.

"I don't know what to do."

Lorelai looked up at him, watching his expression turn from concerned, to helpless in a matter of a millisecond. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, when Cesar appeared at the mouth of the alley.

"Luke!" he called.

Luke took a shuddering breath and turned around. "What?"

"There's someone on the phone for you."

"Tell them I'll call them back." Luke turned back to Lorelai.

Cesar didn't move. "I tried that. She's insisting."

Luke sighed. "I'll be right there."

"Go ahead," Lorelai reassured him as Cesar went back into the diner. "We'll talk later. Maybe tonight?"

He nodded and hurried into the diner, where Cesar was waiting with the receiver. He held the phone up to his ear. "Hello?"

"Is this Luke?" A soft female voice asked.

"Yeah. Who's this?"

A brief pause. "I'm Sasha. I'm uh, I live with Jimmy Mariano."

"Oh." Luke nodded. "I remember Jess mentioning you. You want me to go get him?"

"No!" Sasha exclaimed. "No, I just wanted to make sure he got there okay. Did he?"

"Yeah, he's fine."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. That's good. I'd uh, I'd better go." She sounded nervous. "Don't tell Jess I called."

Luke frowned as the dial tone sounded. That was… really strange.

Then again, Jess had been acting strange for some time. The whole Telling-Rory-He-Loved-Her thing had been so completely uncharacteristic. Not the running away afterwards part, just the fact that he had laid his feelings on the line like that. And then when he came back… Luke shook his head. He'd never been quite sure what transpired the night he left, but it had resulted in him refusing to come visit for the last 3 months.

And now… he was here.

So… something had happened.

And Luke had a very bad feeling that it wasn't good.

***

_Jess crossed his arms. "You stole my car. Coop should have arrested you, why didn't he?"_

" _Free donuts." Luke looked rather pleased with himself._

" _Beautiful." Jess glared._

" _So, you got anything you want to say?"_

_Jimmy fell down the stairs last month. I couldn't stay there anymore and I have nowhere to go. "You could have washed it once in awhile."_

" _Okay, fine. The car is yours. Our business here is done. Hasta la vista, have a nice life." Luke started to leave._

_He couldn't leave. Nowhere to go + non-operational car does not equal a good situation for Jess to be in at ten o'clock at night, in this freak show of a town when he had no money on him. "Our business here is not done. My car is wrecked because of you."_

" _Oh yeah?" Luke rolled his eyes._

" _Three of the tires are leaking, its got no oil, the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's back-firing like mad, I mean, people were ducking when I was driving by. Then it stalled and wouldn't start." That entire speech was a line of crap, considering Jess hadn't a clue what half of that meant, and he didn't care._

_Jess tuned out Luke's response, something smart-alecky he was sure. "You're paying for the repairs."_

" _Oh don't make me laugh."_

" _It's broken because of you." Everything in Jess' life was broken._

_Including him._

_Luke snorted. "The thing was a piece of junk to begin with. The paint was the only thing holding it together."_

_Jess had to think fast. "And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine."_

" _So, I guess it didn't work out with your dad then."_

" _It worked out fine." Jess felt like he was going to be sick._

" _So what are you doing back east, buddy?" Luke raised his eyebrows, clearly not buying a word Jess was saying. "Still searching?"_

_For the remnants of my life? Yeah. "Been traveling." It wasn't entirely a lie._

" _Well, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away."_

_Jess was starting to feel the anger swelling inside him. Couldn't Luke see? How could he not know what a living hell Jess' life had become? "You kicked me out. What were you expecting, a candy gram?" he snapped sarcastically._

" _I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out."_

" _Nice spin, you should work for Bush."_

" _So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel or something? You learn how to play the harmonica?"_

_I learned more than you'll ever know. "What do you care? You're not my guardian anymore." It was a low blow, but one that he knew would be effective._

" _And I bless every day that I'm not."_

" _Well, when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run." Like I have._

" _Aww, I'm sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. I'm sorry I didn't think driving a fork-lift for the rest of your life was good enough for you."_

_If he only knew that that was the least of Jess' worries._

" _Oh, that's condescending isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the working man." Or at least a friend of mine._

_A lightbulb seemed to go off in Luke's head. "Oh, that sister of mine. What a prize, what a prize."_

_Jess swallowed. "What does she have to do with any of this?" As long as Liz didn't tell him he was safe._

" _I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you. That's what happened, isn't it?" Luke shook his head. "Her claiming she had no contact."_

_And there wouldn't be any contact except that Jess had run out of money and needed a place to crash. "Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing." The right thing when you want to get rid of your messed up kid. "That's what family does."_

" _Family? What a joke coming from you."_

" _Go clean your counters. I'm tired." Just let me be._

" _So, are you staying in town?"_

" _Do you know of any twenty-four hour auto shops around here?" Or maybe a time machine so I can go back and never go to California._

_Luke glared. "Well you're not staying with me."_

" _Didn't cross my mind." He didn't have to cross his fingers, his stomach was tied in enough knots as it was._

" _Get it fixed quick."_

" _Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me."_

" _You stay away from her while you're here," Luke added as an afterthought._

" _Stay away from who?" Jess would have tried to look innocent, but it wasn't in his nature._

" _You know who I mean," Luke snapped._

" _Gee, you're so cryptic." He just wanted to disappear._

_Luke wasn't done. "You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay?"_

_Twist the knife a little more, Uncle Luke. My life isn't enough of a hell quite yet. "I'm here to get my car, then I'm gone." Forever, with any luck._

" _Where are you staying?" Luke called after him as he walked across the street to his abandoned car._

" _Backseat's as comfy as anywhere."_

" _Fine." And with that, Luke stalked back into the diner._

_Jess got in the car. Star's Hollow had never been more of a hell to him than it was at that moment._

_Almost as much of a hell as his own life._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Two**

Lorelai enjoyed gossip as much as the next woman, but in cases like this, she wished that she didn't know a thing. It wasn't just knowing something, it was knowing something that Rory didn't and being put in the position of feeling like she should tell her.

The front door slammed.

"I picked up the Mallomars!" Rory called, dropping her bags in the hallway. She heard the television and stepped into the living room. "Hey, Mom."

"Hi, babe." Lorelai forced a smile.

Rory smiled back. "You must really be bored with out me."

"What?"

She pointed to the television. "You're watching Bagger Vance in French."

"Oh." Lorelai flushed. "I guess I wasn't paying much attention.

Rory set the Mallomars on the table and sat down next to her. "Are you okay? You look… nervous."

"Me? Nervous? No, I'm just…" Lorelai swallowed, "I need to tell you something."

"Is it bad?" Rory looked concerned.

"No, it's just… yeah, hun. It's bad."

Rory furrowed her brow. "What is it? Are you okay? Is Luke okay?"

"Luke and I are fine," Lorelai reassured her. "It's just… well…"

"Just tell me."

"Jess is back."

Rory froze. "What? I thought Luke hasn't heard from him lately."

"He hasn't." Lorelai shrugged. "He just showed up."

Rory stood up and crossed her arms. "Well? What's he doing here?"

"Luke isn't sure, but he's pretty worried about him"

"Figures," Rory muttered. "Every time my life is starting to go back to normal he just shows up again and messes everything up."

Lorelai raised her eyebrows. "I really don't think this is about you Rory."

"I'm going for a walk," Rory announced. "I'll see you in the morning."

Lorelai watched as she stomped out of the house. If Rory had really been over Jess, his presence in the town wouldn't effect her this much.

***

" _What is he doing here?"_

_Jess felt his stomach tense up. The second he heard Lorelai's voice he knew he was in trouble._

" _What is he doing… there?" Jess knew Rory was probably gesturing towards the car, angrily no doubt._

_Not that he blamed her. He'd run out, left, without even a goodbye. Which was one of the many reasons why he just wanted to get his car and leave without anyone knowing about it._

_He should have known anonymity was impossible in Stars Hollow._

" _Why is he here? I mean, why did he come back?"_

_Part of Jess wanted to leap up out of the car and tell her. Tell her everything like he hadn't been able to do before. What stopped him was knowing that she probably wouldn't listen, or care. Not anymore. A year ago she might have cared, would have listened, but now he was nothing but a bum of an ex-boyfriend asleep in his death trap of a car._

_It's not my choice, he wanted to shout. I didn't want you to see me, not now. Not ever again. I swore I'd stay out of your life and I'm trying._

_I swear I'm trying._

***

No matter when or where she started walking, Rory always seemed to end up at the same place when she was upset. No matter how far away she'd been, her walks always concluded at the bridge.

Tonight was different somehow. Maybe it was the warm breeze causing leaves to flutter onto the lake, maybe it was the full moon casting shadows at her feet.

Maybe it was the hunched-over boy sitting in front of her.

Rory froze. She was trying to get away from her problems, not come face to face with them. While her mind told her to run her feet seemed glued to the ground.

He was thinner.

Jess had always been skinny, but when she saw his silhouette in the moonlight he seemed almost gaunt in comparison. She wondered absently if he'd been eating at all as she stared at him.

It had been nearly three months since the last time she had seen him. Her face flushed, remembering his impassioned plea for her to " _come away with me_ ".

In all reality and truth, she'd nearly said yes to him that night. In fact, all the while her mouth was saying 'no', her mind was saying 'yes'.

It had been the singularly most romantic thing that had ever happened to her, and she'd turned him away.

Rory took a deep breath as she stepped onto the bridge. He probably never wanted to see her again, and she couldn't quite blame him.

His book was closed.

She noticed that first. The dog-eared paperback was curled in between Jess's strong fingers, but it was not open. Instead, he was twisting it back and forth between his hands as if he was deciding whether or not to rip it apart.

Her footsteps seemed to echo louder than time itself as she walked up to him. He never budged, safe for his wringing hands, the entire time.

Until she stopped exactly eleven inches away from where he was sitting.

Then Jess' face turned solemnly up towards her and his chocolate eyes pierced her very soul. Rory felt her breath catch in her throat.

He remained silent, not even blinking as he stared up at her.

Rory gulped. It was too quiet. She couldn't even hear the wind sweeping through the trees anymore. She had to say something, anything.

"What are you doing here?"

Anything but that.

Jess blinked slowly. "I just came for my car," he said finally, his voice hollow and low in tone.

"Your car?" Rory looked confused. "That was six months ago. Tell me why you're here now!" Her voice was becoming a shout, but she didn't care. If she was going to make a fool out of herself, she might as well get some answers.

Jess turned back to the water.

"Tell me!"

"I can't," he whispered.

She frowned. "Why not?"

"I just can't." He choked slightly.

Rory stared in a stunned silence as he leapt to his feet, nearly dropping his book in the process and practically ran across the bridge and out of sight.

She sighed. That had gone really well. Maybe next time she should find a dog to kick while she's at it.

Rory had just turned to leave when she spotted a small black and white pamphlet lying on the side of the bridge.  _It must have fallen out of Jess' book_ , she thought, picking it up and smoothing out the wrinkles.

Her brow wrinkled when she saw the title.  _Genetic Testing and it's Effect on You_.

***

_Rory walked into Weston's Bakery. "Hi, I'd like a large coffee and a cherry Danish, please," she said to the boy behind the counter._

_Jess had been staring out the window when he heard the voice. Her voice. He turned his head slowly until he found himself face to face with the one person he'd made it his mission to avoid._

_Rory Gilmore._

_Her mouth hung open slightly. Jess tried not to notice the shorter hair, the fact that she was still the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen._

_He couldn't handle this. The last thing he needed to be doing was building relationships, not when he had spent the past several months destroying the few he had accumulated. He couldn't let anyone get close to him, not now, not ever._

" _I'm leaving." He grabbed his coat and ran out of the door, hoping fervently that this would be the last time he'd see Rory during his stay in Stars Hollow._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Three**

It was cold outside, but Jess wasn't wearing a coat.

He had eyed the leather jacket which laid on a chair that morning, but in the end he's forgotten to pick it up on his way out.

A stiffer breeze than usual was blowing on that September morning, but Jess didn't seem to notice as he stood in the middle of Peach Street.

"Is he all right?" Babette leaned closer to the window.

"I'm not sure." Patty was now so close that her breath was making small circles of fog on the window every time she exhaled. "Do you think he's drunk? Or high?"

"I never thought he was the type…" Babette's voice trailed off. "It could be," she said finally.

Patty shook her head. "All I know is there's something strange going on with that boy. It's not natural for a bad boy such as himself to be so passive. Not a single thing has happened since he came back."

"Except the fact that he came back." Babette glanced over her shoulder at Luke, who was cleaning dishes off the counter. She lowered her voice. "Do you think Luke knows?"

"Knows what?" Taylor, who was seated behind them, asked without turning around.

"Knows why his nephew is standing in the middle of the street like he has a death wish," Patty explained.

Taylor tilted his head towards the window. "He's in the middle of the road!" he exclaimed.

"That's what Patty said, Taylor," Babette informed him. "Are you losing your hearing?"

"This is ridiculous." Taylor stood up and flung his napkin on the table.

***

_Jess was trying not to think about her when someone began banging on the window of his car. "Go away," he grumbled. Couldn't a man just be miserable in private?_

_The banging continued._

_Whoever was out there would expect him to be angry, so he put on his best 'annoyed at the world' face as he slid across the ripped leather seats and rolled down the window halfway. "What?" he snapped._

_Luke was towering over him in that same dark green jacket that he always wore. "I'm spending the night with Nicole."_

" _Thanks for the update." Was he supposed to care? Sure, Luke had someone to be with, but his life was shit, thanks very much for asking._

" _The hidden key is still in the same place. Now, you can stay out here and freeze to death if you want or you can go inside, I don't really give a damn, it makes no difference to me."_

_Jess stared at him as he walked off over to his truck without waiting for an answer. He blinked several times. "Fine," he muttered and rolled up his window._

_He laid back down across the seat, using an old sweatshirt as a pillow. But the sweatshirt was damp. And it smelled._

_A broken spring was digging into his hip._

_His knees kept banging against the front seats._

_And it was cold._

_When he was sure that he'd heard Luke's truck leave, Jess heaved a giant sigh and opened the door, climbing out of the car and all-but sprinted across the street. He had to stretch his arm to get the key, but he got it and hurried into the warm diner._

_He knew instantly that he was home._

***

Taylor strode across the street. He was using his 'Very Important Person' walk, which Jess had noticed he only used when he was on what he considered Official Town Business.

Jess was standing with his back to Taylor. The only reason he knew he was approaching was from the crunch of loafers on gravel and the reflection in the Doose's window.

"Young man," Taylor state, as if this were Jess' name, or a title he held.

Jess remained silent and unmoving. It seemed he was getting very adept at ignoring people these days.

Taylor tapped his foot impatiently. "You cannot just stand there and block traffic like that."

Jess didn't bother to tell him there wasn't any traffic, or mention that if there was, they could just drive around him. He didn't care. No one really cared, except Taylor.

"I demand you get out of the road right now!"

Turning his head slowly, Jess blinked several times as he stared solemnly at Taylor. Then he returned to staring at where his car had been parked, all those months ago.

"Well then!" Taylor huffed off to the diner, no doubt to complain to Luke, who Jess was sure didn't give a flying crap either.

***

" _How long until it's fixed?" Jess demanded, leaning over the open hood and glaring at Gypsy._

_Gypsy had been rolling her eyes at him on and off for the past fifteen minutes. She did it again. "Not sure."_

_Jess tried not to lash out. "It has to be today. I have to walk out of this half-mile, four block, freakhole of a medical experiment." I have to get out before I see her._

" _You are delightful," Gypsy replied, and proceeded to roll her eyes once again. "I'll have you out of here tonight. Go away and come back at closing."_

_He tensed his jaw. "Fine." I don't know if I can last until tonight, but fine._

" _And bring a lot of money because I am going to overcharge you like you have never been overcharged before."_

_Jess mentally calculated how much money was in his savings account. "I'll bet you say that to all the guys." If he remembered correctly, it was twelve dollars and eighty-three cents. Great. Where was he going to get the money to pay for this?_

" _On second thought, maybe I'm closing early tonight." Gypsy scratched her chin and cocked her head annoyingly to one side._

" _I'm going." Jess held up his hands and turned to leave when he saw it._

_Her._

_It was like being punched in the stomach, unpleasant and unexpected. He felt physically ill. He couldn't handle this. Seeing her was not part of the plan!_

" _That's not her."_

_Jess turned around when Gypsy spoke. It wasn't?_

" _She cut her hair." Gypsy gestured to that effect._

_Jess swallowed. "Don't know what you're talking about," he managed._

" _Okay. My mistake." Gypsy turned back to the car as Jess turned back to the girl._

_It wasn't Rory._

_But that didn't make it hurt any less._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Four**

Rory tapped the brochure nervously against the side of her monitor as she waited for the computer to boot up.

She was trying desperately to convince herself that she was overreacting. After all, the brochure might not even have been Jess'. Maybe he found it on the ground and was going to throw it away later.

That wasn't a convincing enough argument, even for her.

The internet explorer window popped up and she quickly typed in and waited for the page to load.

She paused for a moment when if finally did load, staring at the blinking cursor. Finally she worked up her courage and typed in "genetic testing".

Hitting 'enter', she watched the page load and stared at the results.

She clicked on the first link and felt her stomach plummet when she saw the word 'cancer'.

Jess couldn't have cancer, could he? She wondered. Rory skimmed the article and felt slightly better when she was done. It seemed as if the most common testing was for the gene that may or may not cause breast cancer. It wasn't even definite.

But they did test for other kinds of cancer.

She continued clicking on the links her search results gave her and reading every article or resource, no matter the relevance.

She read about everything, from cancer to Huntington's to brain tumors. Her heart skipped beats with every frightening word or phrase she came upon. By the time she came to the end of the second page, she felt ill.

It was so much worse than she could have imagined, and she didn't even know what 'it' was yet.

"Rory?" Lorelai tapped lightly on the door frame and ventured inside a few steps. "You okay, hun?"

She quickly closed the window and swiveled around to face her mother. "I'm okay," she told her, trying to put on a convincing smile.

However, Lorelai's concerned expression hardly dissipated. "I know having Jess back must be hard on you…"

"It's not," Rory interrupted. "I don't care about that, Mom. I swear."

"I know you used to care about him a lot." Lorelai stepped closer and perched at the end of Rory's bed, leaning in to see her eyes better.

Rory sighed. "I more than just cared about him," she murmured. Up until Kyle's party, until he left without saying goodbye, she'd thought she was in love with him.

"I know it's probably tempting to think about getting back together with him," Lorelai continued in her "good mom" voice, the one she saved for the most important discussions. "But Jess has been through a lot, hun. We don't know what's happened to him in the past year and a half."

"That's the point," Rory insisted, swallowing hard before she looked her mother in the eye. "Something happened to him."

"Of course something happened to him!" Lorelai exclaimed. "You don't just show up one day looking for a place to stay with that blank expression in your eyes unless something pretty serious happened. What I'm saying Rory, is that I don't know if you should be getting involved in it."

Rory's gaze never wavered. "I don't know if I should either," she said soft and steady. "All I know is that I need to try."

Lorelai stared at her daughter, so determined and stubborn, attributes that she had come by honestly, and she just couldn't say anything further.

She knew it wouldn't make one bit of a difference at this point.

***

_Dammit, Luke! Jess fanned the cash slightly and then shoved it back in the envelope. He hadn't come back for money, he thought Luke knew that._

_Apparently not._

_His original intention was to go leave the envelope in the diner with Cesar, but he realized he'd left the envelope in the car the exact moment he spotted Rory._

_She was in the line for burgers, bringing back numerous memories of pigging out on burgers and fries upstairs in Luke's apartment, usually with Luke downstairs wondering what happened to the last order he made._

_He swayed as Rory turned and saw him. He'd dreamt of seeing her again, but the way she looked at him wasn't exactly how she had all of those sleepless nights._

" _I get to leave first!"_

" _Rory, wait! Stop!" Jess wasn't sure if she was talking about their two previous meetings or when he abandoned her to leave for California, but one thing was clear in his mind: He wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to his dreams._

" _No! You don't get to walk away!"_

_The thought flashed through his mind that she really believed that he wanted to leave, not that he was forced to._

" _Hold on!" Please, Rory, hold on._

_She didn't seem to notice his frantic pleas. "My town! I leave!"_

" _I just wanna…" What? He didn't have a clue how to complete that sentence without giving everything away. "Where are you going?"_

" _None of your business!"_

_True. He didn't deserve for it to be his business, but he couldn't stop chasing her as she zigzagged down the street. "We look like idiots!"_

" _I don't care!"_

" _Stop running," he pleaded._

" _Stop following!"_

_Never. "Oh, come on!"_

" _Go away! I'm leaving!"_

" _Rory, stop!" Please, god, let her stop._

" _Why?" She stopped dead and whirled around to glare at him._

_Jess stared at her, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath. "Because I wanna talk to you."_

" _About what?" Rory demanded, moving as if to cross her arms but then stopping herself. "What do you want to talk to me about?"_

_Everything, Jess thought. His life was falling apart, his father was dying slowly and all he wanted in the world was to have her back. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything that he couldn't tell anyone else._

" _When did you learn to run like that?" Jess blurted, surprising himself with the ridiculousness of the question as much as he surprised her._

" _You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go."_

_So was he. "Could we sit down?" he stalled, trying to pull together the conflicting thoughts in his head._

" _No." Her answer did not surprise him. "You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?"_

_A thousand responses floated through his head, but the phrase that slipped out was not among any of them. He said the only thought that was coursing through his veins as he stared in awe at the beautiful woman in front of him, the only person who had ever truly listened to anything he said._

" _I love you."_

_But I shouldn't, he added silently as she stared at him in shock. You deserve so much better than me, so much that I can't give you._

_It was that thought that made him lower his head and turn away, walking back to his beaten up car and drive away, praying it would work long enough for him to get away before he changed his mind._

***

"You ever going to talk?"

Jess froze for a millisecond, one hand reaching into Luke's refrigerator. Then he finished taking out the beer, opened it, and took a large swig. "Talk about what?"

"Why you're here." Luke crossed his arms. "I'm not stupid Jess, I know something's up."

"Nothing's up," Jess mumbled, walking around him.

Luke grabbed his arm. "Don't walk away from me."

Jess shook Luke's hand off his arm and walked out of the apartment. Luke didn't understand.

He just couldn't talk.

Not yet, maybe not ever.

***

_Jess hovered at the door for a moment, listening to the voices. Liz, her newest boyfriend, and Luke. All in the apartment._

_He did not want to go in there._

_But he had to. He'd left his notebook on the bed, and if any of them found it… well it wouldn't be good._

_So he went in._

_Everyone looked at him._

" _I forgot something," he mumbled, trying to look busy as he slipped in and grabbed the notebook, hoping fervently that no one would stop him._

" _Oh my God, this is freaky. It's like fate. Jess didn't know we were here. I had no idea that Jess would come by and now look at us together. All the men in my life are drawn here to me. This is positive. This means something. Do you feel it?"_

_Jess forced a smile as Liz babbled on. It wasn't fate, it was just a cruel chain of events that was causing him to be here._

" _I sure do."_

_Jess glared at the odd-looking guy which had to be Liz's latest victim._

_Liz put her hands on his shoulders and Jess tried not to cringe. "Baby, this is my kid. This is Jess. Jess, this is TJ."_

" _Guess what it stands for?" TJ asked with a stupid grin on his face._

_What little patience Jess possessed was gone. "No."_

" _Oh!" Liz exclaimed excitedly. "You'll stay for dinner!"_

_Jess tried to think of an excuse. "I've gotta go check on my car." It was weak, but it at least was truthful._

" _Come on, we're making a ton of food. There's beer," TJ said in the same tone that a pedophile would use to offer a child a lollypop._

_That disturbed him._

" _My beer," he heard Luke mutter._

" _I'm not hungry."_

_Liz would have none of that. "Oh please stay for a little while. I think you guys are going to get along great."_

_It was doubtful, but Jess sat down at the table, next to Luke._

" _TJ is really enjoying Stars Hollow, aren't you baby?" Liz smiled happily at him._

" _Oh yeah," TJ said, as if he had just remembered. "This place is great. It reminds me of New York."_

" _How?" Jess asked._

" _You know." TJ smiled._

_Luke rolled his eyes. "Neither one is in space."_

_If Jess had been listening, he might have smiled, maybe even laughed._

_But he wasn't._

" _I gotta go," Jess said after a few minutes, jumping up out of his chair. He felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't stay another moment in this place or he'd explode._

" _Oh." Liz frowned. "Okay. Well, come back after you've checked your car. We'll save you some food." She stood up and walked over to where he was hovering. "You look good. Handsome."_

" _If I was a girl, I wouldn't kick him out of bed."_

_Jess chose to ignore TJ's disturbing comment. "Okay."_

_They said something else, but Jess wasn't really listening. He clutched his notebook to his chest and hurried into the hall, where he discovered Luke trailing closely behind._

" _So, wow." Luke shook his head._

_Jess forced a smile, not quite sure what they were wow-ing. "Yep."_

" _Well, if I had to pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would definitely be his cab driver."_

_Ah. They were talking about TJ. "I don't know. He had a certain something."_

" _Yeah, lack of chromosomes."_

" _That sounds right."_

" _So, what do we do?"_

_Jess shifted his feet and avoided eye contact. "About what?"_

" _About that. Them. Him."_

" _Nothing." If Liz wanted to date the world's stupidest man, that was her problem. He had bigger issues to deal with. Jess turned to leave, again._

" _Where are you going?"_

_He sighed. Luke was not taking the hint. "To check on my car." To get the hell out of here before I lose it._

" _But Jess, don't you think we should discuss this?" Luke tilted his head._

" _Discuss what?"_

" _TJ."_

_Jess shrugged. "I thought we just did."_

_Luke frowned. "But we didn't come up with a solution."_

_A solution? Jess wanted to shout. Count your lucky stars, Uncle Luke. At least your big problems have solutions. "A solution to what?"_

" _Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him."_

" _A solution would have been birth control." He wanted to curse Jimmy and Liz. "Too late, move on."_

_Luke sighed. "Jess, we have to do something about this."_

" _Like what?" He was beginning to get angry. Just let me leave and be miserable in peace._

" _He's a grown man with an Etch-A-Sketch!" Luke exploded, just loud enough to express his annoyance, but still soft enough so neither Liz nor TJ could hear._

" _So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear."_

" _Oh come on." The first joke Jess had made in nearly six months and Luke didn't even have the decency to laugh. "What do you like this guy?"_

" _Of course I don't like this guy. I don't like any of the guys, but she's gonna do what she's gonna do."_

" _No, I do not accept that." Luke shook his head. "We can go to Liz together. We can tell her-"_

" _She does not care what we think," Jess interrupted. "She really doesn't care what I think. I've got nineteen years of proof to back me up."_

" _Yes, yes she does. You just have to find the right angle with Liz."_

_Jess was starting to feel sick. Nineteen years and his mother never cared. Nineteen years and he never knew there might not be nineteen more. "Can I go please?" he choked out._

" _No, you can't go. We have to fix this. I cannot watch her throw her life away with a loser again."_

_Something in Jess snapped. One minute he was nauseated and on the verge of tears, and the next instant he heard himself shouting at Luke. "You see, this is your problem. You're going to help people whether they want it or not. You have to fix everything. You have to fix everyone. You think it makes you a good guy, but really, it just makes you a pain in the ass. You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr and they get to feel like not only did they screw up, but they also disappointed you. You interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life and leave everyone else alone."_

_Without a backward glance Jess left, stumbling down the stairs and nearly dropping his notebook. That was a good move. Yelling, being mad at Luke._

_When he was mad he didn't have to care._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Five**

_"Emergencies only," Jess told her firmly when he gave her the number._

_He could hear the excitement in Lily's voice as she swore not to call him unless something was bleeding or at least seriously fractured._

_It had been three months since Jess had been in contact with her, or Sasha, or Jimmy. That was the way he'd wanted it, the way he liked things, yet when he received his newest cell phone number (one sure to stick now that he had a steady job and could pay the bill every month) he had the urge to tell someone where he was._

_A little earlier, two of his roommates had dragged their sorry butts out of bed and headed off to work, or a bar. He wasn't sure. One of them was still passed out on a mattress, likely avoiding the killer hangover that was inevitable. One of them hadn't even come home the night before._

_For no particular reason, this made Jess mad. He should have been used to it, all four of his roommates were drunken losers, who'd either flunked out or been kicked out of college, no doubt for lack of soberness. That was why he liked them, they had no ambitions, no plans further than their next drink, or hit._

_If he died it would be weeks before they noticed the body._

_After briefly considering (and rejecting) calling Luke, Jess had decided on Lily. Sasha would be at her pottery class, and there was little chance of Jimmy answering the phone these days._

_Part of him was already hating himself before Lily had even said hello. It wasn't fair of him to call like this, after so much silence._

_His resolve to stay away (both emotionally and physically) had begun to really waver the day before, one of his roommates had come home stoned, again. When his high began to wear off he started telling stories about his family, or what little there was of it. In between incoherent babblings of his dead crack addict mother and a sister who turned tricks in an alley near 67th Street, Jess found himself thinking about Lily._

_The summer he'd lived in California she had changed over from being a little girl to a young woman. Her gap toothed smile now included metal braces with purple accents and her chest was no longer flat, to the delight of her male friends._

_Lily didn't deserve the hand she'd been dealt anymore than he did. As much as Jess wanted it not to be true, the little bookworm had wormed her way into his heart._

_So, he gave her his new phone number, threatened her life she actually call it, and said a gruff goodbye before she could tell him how anyone was, including her._

_Jess glanced at the clock as he passed a lump of roommate. Todd was going to lose his job if he didn't get up soon, but Jess wasn't going to be the one to wake him._

_There was a firm knock on the door. Jess hoped fervently that it wasn't the landlord, since two of his roommates hadn't handed over their share of the rent yet._

" _Hey, neighbor, the guys next door just ran out of crack to sell, so they sent me over to borrow a cup. Hey, nice place. You put those holes there yourself?"_

_Jess blinked twice at the figure before him. Luke? What was Luke doing there? He didn't even think Luke knew where he lived._

" _What are you doing here?" Jess voiced the question in what he hoped sounded like his normal, sarcastic self._

_Luke walked past him into the apartment, not even attempting to hide his dismay. "Just wanted to see how you were doing."_

" _Doing great." Jess gritted his teeth._

" _Great, you're doing great. Wow, you're doing great. I'm not doing great, and I have running water."_

_Jess tried very hard to get angry. He should be angry, Luke was here insulting his home. "The place is fine." It might not have been much, but it was warm and most days he got a decent meal or two._

" _Fine? Not great? What happened to great?"_

_Now Jess was beginning to feel a little less like falling apart and a little more like punching Luke in the stomach. "All this and no housewarming gift."_

" _Okay, okay." Luke held up his hands in surrender. "I just thought you were going absolutely nowhere with your life. Glad I'm wrong. Hey, which filthy mattress is yours?"_

_Jess blinked. Why had Luke come there just to remind him that he was a high-school drop out living in squalor? "Right there."_

_Luke followed the directing Jess pointed in, continuing his repartee of insults. "Oh. Well, you got the good corner, with a view of the mold."_

" _Yeah, I won the toss." Jess gritted his teeth. "Now if you don't mind, I've got places to be."_

" _Let's get down to it."_

_Finally, Jess thought._

" _Liz told me you weren't coming to the wedding."_

_Jess snorted. "No way you're here about that."_

" _I am here about that."_

_Jess tilted his head, wondering why Luke cared. Liz's new fiancée was an idiot with half a brain, but that wasn't why he wasn't going. "Why?"_

" _Why?" Luke exclaimed. "Your mother's getting married and you're not coming."_

" _No biggie. I'll just catch the next one." Jess tried to look nonchalant as he mentally ticked off the reasons he needed to stay away from Liz's wedding. 1. Liz was making a stupid mistake. 2. Rory. 3. He couldn't get close to anyone. 4. Rory…._

" _Jess, this guy is different."_

" _Come on." This guy wasn't different, he just had less brain cells._

_Even Luke realized how stupid that comment was. "Well, he could be different. He seems different."_

" _Jeez, man."_

" _I've seen him with Liz. They seem to work. We need to support this thing to give it a chance."_

_Sheesh, Luke sounded like an episode of Dr. Phil. "No, we don't."_

" _You are gonna regret this."_

" _I doubt it." Jess walked over to the refrigerator and opened the door, staring at the empty shelves with nothing but beer and ketchup on them, trying not to question his decision._

_He shouldn't go._

" _No, you are. If you ever manage to grow up and get yourself together and drop this selfish self-destructive behavior that you are so fond of, if that ever happens, you are gonna look back on this moment and you are gonna feel like a big steaming mound of crap that you missed this."_

_He couldn't go._

" _This could have been a turning point. You could have witnessed something good for your mother who, yes, has screwed up a bit in her life but now seems to have found something to make her happy, and you miss that, you refuse to be a part of that, you are gonna be very sorry."_

_He wouldn't go._

_Jess tugged the beeper off his jeans as it went off, glancing at the familiar number._

" _What are you a drug dealer now?"_

" _I'm a messenger." Drug dealers probably made more money. Jess changed his mind and decided that Todd needed to work so he could pay his share of the rent. "I gotta go. Hey, Todd, it's four o'clock."_

_Todd's foot twitched, signaling that the hangover had begun._

" _You owe me."_

_Jess froze._

" _I was there for you when no one else was and I want you there… and you owe me."_

_Jess gulped. "I gotta go."_

" _So, do I. I'm going first." He stormed out of the apartment._

_Of all the people in the world he had pissed off lately, Luke was the only one who made him want to change. "Hey, Todd," Jess called one last time, before following Luke out the door._

***

He wasn't sure why he went to the bridge, why that was the place his feet immediately headed for. It was well past dusk and would have been pitch black along the path if it hadn't been for the night's full moon.

"Rory?" She must have heard his footsteps, but she didn't look up until he said her name.

Her eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears. The blue orbs reflected with fear as she swallowed.

"Tell me." Rory held up the tattered pamphlet.

Jess felt his stomach lurch.

"Please." It was no more than a whisper but it broke down the last barriers he had built around his heart.

Jess sat down beside her and took one of her hands, tracing the lines in her palm idly with his thumb. "The night after Kyle's party Jimmy," he paused, "my dad, he came to see me."

Rory nodded slowly as he spoke, urging him on.

"I wasn't graduating, I thought you hated me, or you would soon, and Luke kicked me out. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I hopped on a bus to Venice Beach and found Jimmy's address in a phone book.

"At first he didn't want me to stay, which I thought was just because I was this screw-up teenager that had showed up on his doorstep." Jess' jaw tightened. "I'd been there a month when he finally told me the truth."

"What?" Rory asked, after a long silence.

Jess' voice was shaking when he finally continued. "He'd been having these weird muscle spasms so Sasha made him go to the doctor." His hand gripped hers tightly. "After a lot of tests they finally figured out what was wrong."

"Huntington's." A tear rolled down Rory's face. "It was Huntington's, wasn't it?"

Jess nodded slowly.

A moment later, his shoulder's began to shake. Rory pulled him into her arms and held him tightly as he wept, letting loose of all the tears and pain that had been bottling up inside him since Jimmy finally told him the truth.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Six**

When his eyes were finally dry, Jess pulled away. He grabbed the pamphlet off the ground and angrily threw it into the lake as he stood up.

"Dammit, Jimmy!" He cursed, watching the paper bob in the water for a moment, then sink slowly to the bottom. "Why did you have to come and find me!"

Rory watched his burst of anger in silence, wanting to comfort him, but being desperately in need of comfort herself.

"I'm glad you came back," she managed, before Jess sat back down a few feet away from her. The two of them sat silently, watching the moon reflect off the gentle ripples in the water.

They were still sitting in those same spots when Jess' cell phone began to ring, beeping its obnoxious little tune that he had never quite figured out how to turn off. It startled him, since he almost never left the phone on these days.

He pressed the 'answer' button firmly, after hesitating for a brief second over the 'ignore call' choice. "Hello?"

"Can you pick me up?" The voice was muffled, and there were loud noises in the background, making it difficult for him to identify the caller.

Jess glanced at Rory, who was peering at him with unbridled curiosity in her eyes. "Who is this?" he demanded, wanting nothing more than to pitch the phone into the lake.

"It's Lily." It didn't sound like Lily. That voice was far too deep, too old sounding to be little Lily's.

"Lily." Jess swallowed, his stomach busy tying itself in intricate knots.

"Can you come get me?" she asked softly, suddenly sounding more like the little girl he remembered.

He switched the phone to his other ear. "California isn't exactly on my way."

"I'm not in California."

"Then where are you?" His voice raised unconsciously.

Lily paused before answering. "The Hartford bus station."

xxx

Rory stayed mostly quiet during the ride to the bus station, despite the numerous questions coursing through her brain as she drove Jess to Hartford.

She wondered if Lily knew what was going on with Jess. That could explain the grim expression on his face when he told Rory who had called and where they needed to go.

"Jess?" she called softly, glancing toward the hunched over figure beside her on the seat.

He scratched his nose absently and turned to look at her. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" she asked, trying desperately not to let her voice waver.

His face softened and he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I'll never be okay."

Rory caught her breath and prepared to say something, anything, but took the turn in to the bus station instead.

xxx

_Jess built up a wall as he stomped from the bus stop to the diner. Luke wanted him there, fine. He was there. But it wasn't because he cared about him, it was because he owed him._

_That was it._

_He flung open the diner door, ignoring the stares (among the most shocked being Lorelai). "I'm not paying for a hotel, so I'm staying with you."_

_Luke and Lorelai stared at him as he strode upstairs, his entire body trembling with the effort it took not to care._

" _Liar!" He heard Lorelai shriek._

" _I didn't know he was coming…"_

_Jess' hearing was blocked when he shut the apartment door, leaning heavily against it. This was just too hard. He couldn't do it._

_But he had to._

xxx

There must have been a lull in the bus schedule because when Jess and Rory entered the Greyhound building it was nearly empty. Rory waited for Jess to make a move, because she didn't even know what Lily looked like.

Jess' expression didn't change, but he sighed a little before making his way over to a bench on their right. A tiny brunette was seated there, in baggy jeans and a neon pink tank top. By her feet was a dingy gray duffel bag, handles tightly clutched in her hands.

Jess cleared his throat and she leapt up, throwing her arms around his neck. Rory hung back, surprised by the girl's burst of affection and unsure of how or if she should react to it.

Rory caught her breath as she caught sight of Lily's face. Her eyes were large and brown, which appeared even larger because of the dark circles under them. Her lips were chapped, and her expression was tired.

"You must be Rory." Lily looked her up and down, frowning. She didn't introduce herself, nor did she offer her hand to shake. She just stared at her, unwaveringly.

Rory nodded. "And you must be Lily."

Lily made no movement to either deny or agree with that statement. Instead she turned to Jess, who looked frazzled.

"Does anyone know where you are?" he asked finally.

Lily shook her head and had the decency to look a little ashamed. "I left a note," she said softly.

Jess swallowed and looked over at Rory. "I'll be right back." He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and walked away.

Rory smiled at Lily, whose expression had remained stony since she caught sight of her. "You must have missed Jess, huh?" she said finally, assuming that would be a safe question to ask.

"No."

xxx

"Lily? Is that you?" Sasha's voice sounded desperate over the phone.

"It's Jess." He shifted his feet, glancing across the room to where Lily was still giving Rory the evil eye. The kid looked like she'd been through hell and back.

"Jess!" Sasha exclaimed. "Is she-?"

"She's here."

Sasha sighed with relief. "Oh thank god. I didn't know what to do, none of her friends had seen her and she took all the cash I had left in my wallet."

He gritted his teeth.

"Jess? You still there?"

"Yeah."

"Is she okay?" Sasha sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

"She's fine, Sash. Just tired."

"Do you think you can get her to come home?"

Jess looked back at Lily, who had turned her back to Rory and was clutching her duffel bag to her chest. "Not yet. I'm gonna keep her for a couple weeks, then I'll send her home."

"I don't know, Jess," Sasha said hesitantly.

He knew she was thinking about all the places he had lived in the past few months. "I'm back in Stars Hollow, staying with Luke," he assured her. "It'll be okay."

"All right." Her voice was still hesitant, but more relaxed. "Just… take care of my baby, all right?"

"I promise," he reassured her, and hung up the phone. He ran a hand through his hair and looked over at Lily again. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

He walked slowly over to where Lily and Rory stood, facing away from each other. Rory looked at him worriedly. "Everything okay?"

"Of course it is," Lily answered for him, her voice a monotone. "Everything's fine because  _he_  got to run away from it all." Her voice broke a little. "He gets to leave. He doesn't have to clean the house and cut up Jimmy's food for him. He gets to pretend that everything's okay because he left."

Jess swallowed. "Lily," he began, but she cut him off.

"No! Don't try and make excuses!" She shouted. "He's really sick, Jess. He's dying and you got to," she paused, taking a breath in and letting out several expletives that Jess didn't know she even knew. "You left him there," she whispered.

Rory reached out to touch her arm. "Why don't we just go and we'll talk about this later."  _Somewhere a little less public,_  she added silently, taking note of the airport employees that were not-so-subtly staring at them.

"Don't touch me!" Lily jerked her arm away, but she followed Rory out to the car.

No one said another word the entire ride to Stars Hollow.

xxx

_Jess threw up twice before joining the group. The group consisted of Luke, Liz's fiancée TJ, and a few of TJ's friends. A bachelor party. Just where Jess wanted to be._

" _Where have you been?" Luke demanded when he caught sight of him._

" _Bathroom." Jess sat down at a separate table from the rest. "It's best to use it before the puking starts." A fact you learn fast when you've spent time in places like that._

" _You left me hanging with the Lords of Flatbush here," Luke hissed, still standing beside the table._

" _Sorry." Jess rolled his eyes. "Aren't you gonna sit?"_

_TJ answered for him. "He doesn't want to create a lap."_

" _A lap is an illusion," TJ's brother added._

" _What?" Jess frowned. Were these guys smoking more crack that usual?_

" _Don't get him started," Luke warned._

_TJ leaned over. "Hey, I want to talk to you later."_

" _I always enjoy a good palaver." Jess hoped that maybe if he used big words he'd confuse him and they wouldn't have to talk._

" _Huh?" TJ was confused, but didn't seem distracted._

_Jess sighed. "We'll talk." He turned away from him and pulled out the book he'd brought to pretend to read._

_An hour later, the night had progressed from bad to worse. Currently, TJ's brother was expounding on the joys of life._

" _I love mud, I love girls, I love wrestling. This is everything I love."_

" _In one neat package," TJ added, then turned to Jess, who tried desperately to look involved in his book. "Here's our boy. Having a good time?"_

" _Oh, I'm having a gay old time," Jess quipped, hoping he'd take the hint this time and leave him the heck alone._

_TJ didn't take the hint. "You know, you read so much, I'm thinking of nicknaming you 'reads'."_

_Jess blinked. "Good one," he muttered, eyeing a waitress as she walked by carrying a pitcher of beer._

" _Tough guy, huh?" TJ did however, get Jess' sarcastic tone._

" _What?" Jess had stopped paying attention when his brain began pondering the possibility of alcohol._

" _Listen," TJ leaned forward, "your mom has this thought that she hasn't shared with you because she's afraid you wouldn't be into it."_

" _Oh yeah?" Jess asked, as if he were surprised. He wasn't. Liz was smart enough to know that something was up with him, something that meant he wasn't very receptive to new ideas._

" _She'd like you to walk her down the aisle."_

_Jess' stomach took a deep plummet. Walk her down the aisle? TJ had to be kidding. He couldn't. He shouldn't even be here, except Luke had asked him and Jess owed Luke big time. That was the only reason he'd crawled out of his roach infested apartment and dragged himself back here. Back to where he'd sworn never to return._

_TJ continued. "Usually it's the father that would do that, but he's worm food."_

_He was going to be sick. "I knew that."_

" _So, what do you say?"_

" _I don't think so." He'd just mess things up if he were involved. It would be better for Liz in the end if he just stayed away._

_TJ pressed on. "It's a really short aisle. It'll be over in a flash."_

" _Get Luke to do it," Jess snapped._

" _She wants you to do it!" TJ exclaimed, looking more and more pissed off._

 _Jess squirmed, wanting to disappear. "I guess we're at a stalemate."_ Just let it go, just let it go,  _he thought to himself._

" _I don't think we're at a stalemate."_

" _There's girls wallowing around in slimy dirt, and you're looking at me?" Jess attempted to make a stupid joke and distract TJ all at the same time._

_TJ frowned. "I don't want to tell your mom no."_

" _Then I'll tell her." She was used to disappointment from him._

" _I don't want you telling her either."_

Then what the hell do you want? _Jess wanted to scream. "Want to pitch in for a telegram?"_

_TJ flipped Jess' book out of his hand, and something snapped. Jess felt himself charging at TJ like there was no tomorrow, shoving and punching and generally attacking him until Luke pulled them apart._

_And when the bachelor party was kicked out of the club, Jess felt nothing but relief._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Seven**

When Rory stepped back into her room, she found Lily sitting cross-legged on her bed reading an old paperback.

Rory leaned closer to see what she was reading. "Ah,  _The Bell Jar_. Good choice. It's one of my favorites."

"Jess thinks Sylvia Plath is a psychotic nutcase who desperately needs some therapy and a Prozac," Lily said softly, almost a whisper.

Rory hadn't failed to notice that it wasn't only Lily's voice which had softened. The teenager had changed into an old t-shirt and faded pajama pants with embroidered flowers on them. Her light brown hair had been pulled back in a loose ponytail and she smiled a little when she finally looked up.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier," she admitted, twisting the book her hands.

Rory sat down beside her on the bed. "It's okay. I knew you were just upset."

Lily nodded. "I did miss Jess. I missed him a lot." She shrugged. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't miss him."

"Is Jimmy really that bad?" Rory bit her lip. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be asking."

Lily closed the book without bothering to mark her page. "Compared to the way he used to be, he's pretty bad. But he'll only get worse. It's how the disease works."

Rory recognized that Lily had been forced to grow up much faster than most girls her age. The way she spoke so matter-of-factly about Jimmy's disease was both frightening and reassuring to Rory, although she wasn't sure why.

Lily smiled a little and looked around. "I've never been in a real dorm room before," she said shyly.

"As opposed to a fake one?" Rory twisted one side of her mouth into a smile. "It's a little overwhelming at first, but in the end it's just a couple tiny rooms and one psycho roommate."

Lily nodded. "Jess told me some stuff about Paris. She sounds… intense."

"Understatement. But now that she's dating Doyle she has someone new to focus on, so I'm sure she won't bother you."

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

Lily fingered the book in her hands, looking apprehensive. "Please don't hurt Jess again."

"What?" Rory inhaled sharply.

"He's fragile now." Lily raised her eyes to meet Rory's confused gaze. "He might do something stupid again, like leave, but he needs you."

Suddenly Rory was feeling the urge to flee herself.

Lily continued. "When he first came he wouldn't talk about you. I found a picture in one of his books, the two of you together somewhere. You were smiling and he was scowling. He refused to tell me who you were.

"The day Jimmy told him he had Huntington's he took off. Mom wasn't sure if he was coming back, but around one in the morning he stumbled in, drunk out of his mind. Mom and Jimmy were asleep but I'd been reading. I made him a cup of coffee and he started talking."

"He told you.." Rory swallowed. "He told you about me?"

Lily nodded. "Not at first. At first he just talked about his mom sending him to Stars Hollow to live with Luke, how much he hadn't wanted to be there. Then he told me some about you. Not about how you guys met, or dated, just about those last few weeks when he screwed everything up."

"He didn't screw everything up." Rory felt like crying but wasn't sure there were anymore tears in her.

"Don't tell me, tell him." Lily stared uncompromisingly at Rory. "Him coming here was a really big step. He only stayed for about a week after that night. He was too scared to stay."

"Then why did he come here?" Rory asked her.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know for sure. Maybe he didn't have anywhere else to go. Maybe space aliens were chasing him, I don't know. Just don't hurt him if he trusts you. No matter who my real father was, he's my big brother and I need him."

ooo

Luke was in the diner watching his tiny four-inch television set when Jess walked in. It was nearly two in the morning and Jess was shocked and surprised to find Luke still up.

"Luke?" he asked incredulously, closing the diner's door behind him.

Luke switched off the television and looked up. "You got something to tell me?"

Jess tensed. Dammit, Liz hadn't called, had she? He'd been careful not to let her know where he was, and didn't think she and Luke talked that much since the wedding.

"Sasha called to get the address of the diner. Apparently Lily left her glasses. Sasha's expressing them here for her." Luke spoke softly and steadily. "You mind telling me who the hell Sasha and Lily are?"

Jess tried not to let the relief show on his face. "Sasha is Jimmy's girlfriend."

"And Lily is?"

"Sasha's daughter," Jess told him.

Luke crossed his arms. "Well, if Lily is Sasha's daughter, why am I getting the distinct impression she's not with Sasha?"

"She came to visit." Jess tried to remain as vague as possible. "We get along okay. She likes to read."

Luke nodded and gestured around the empty diner. "And where is this Lily? Shimmying up the drainpipe? Dropping down the chimney?"

"She's at Yale with Rory."

"Rory?" Luke raised his eyebrows. "Since when are you two friends again?"

Jess kicked the table leg softly with his toe. "We aren't."

"Oh, so your non-friend is babysitting your father's girlfriend's kid?" Luke snorted. "Real nice, Jess."

"She's thirteen. She doesn't need babysitting." Jess turned away and headed for the stairs.

"I'm not done talking to you!" Luke called after him.

"I am," Jess muttered. "I am."

ooo

_It was one of those conversations he never wanted to have._

" _Hmm. Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. Vince Williams called me a doodyhead. I took it very personally..,"_

_Jess stared at Luke as he leaned against a table, arms crossed. He lost track of what Luke was saying as he concentrated on the face in front of him. Jess was about to be reprimanded and he knew it. The strange thing was that he actually was willing to admit that he deserved it._

_This whole thing had been a mistake. Wedding or no wedding, Jess should have stayed the hell away from Stars Hollow, Luke, and Liz. He wasn't good for anything anymore, except causing trouble and starting fights._

_Luke's voice slowly faded back into his radar. "…I mean, if you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't walk her down the aisle, and you shouldn't go to her wedding."_

_Jess shuddered inwardly and tried not to look too surprised. "I don't… hate my mother."_

" _You don't?" Luke genuinely looked interested in the answer. "Well then, I don't get it. Why weren't you coming… because of me? You hate me that much?"_

" _I don't hate you." It was the complete opposite in fact, but Jess wasn't quite ready to admit that much. "I came here because of you."_

" _Stop that." Luke obviously thought he was kidding._

_Pretty much everyone in Jess' life had asked something of him in the past few months. He'd never said yes. "You said it was important to you." Those had been the words that had cut down the barricade around his heart and forced him to feel. "Remember?"_

_Luke blinked. "I didn't think you were listening."_

" _I was listening." It was the first time he could bear to listen to anyone at all. Luke had been right to ask this of him. Jess owed Luke more than he'd ever know and if going through all this torture was the way to pay him back, he'd do it._

" _So, you don't hate your mom, you don't hate me, so… why weren't you coming?"_

_The look that flashed across Jess' face said more than it should._

_Luke exhaled. "No… Rory still?"_

_Jess blinked at him. Rory, right. If it hadn't been this than it would have been that. It wasn't like Rory would ever want to see him again, even if he were willing to re-enter her life._

" _That's ancient history," Luke continued. "You haven't seen her in over a year."_

" _I saw here when I was here a few months ago," Jess said, almost feeling guilty that he hadn't confided in Luke before then._

_Luke stared. "I didn't know that. "So, what happened?"_

" _Nothing. I told her, uh," Jess paused._

" _What?" Luke leaned forward._

" _I told her that I loved her." Jess let out a deep breath. It felt somewhat better telling someone, he found._

" _Wow!" Luke's jaw dropped. "What did she say?"_

" _Nothing." Absolutely nothing._

" _What, you just said it and walked away?"_

_Close. "No. I got in my car and left."_

" _You just dropped the bomb and left?" Luke asked, still shaking off the aftereffects of the bomb Jess had dropped on him._

" _I drove," Jess amended._

" _You didn't want to stick around to see what she said?"_

_Hell no. "No. And she obviously had nothing to say." If he'd even wanted to listen._

" _How do you know?"_

_Jess felt himself getting a little angry. "She could have contacted me anytime in the last three months, but she didn't." Never mind that he hadn't wanted anything to do with her, she could have at least tried._

" _What are you talking about?" Luke said incredulously. "You change your phone number weekly."_

" _The ball was in her court," Jess scoffed._

" _Oh Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong." Luke took a deep breath. "Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off."_

_Jess blinked._

_Luke continued. "I had this friend, let's call him Phillip, who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool."_

" _Who the hell is Judy?" Jess wondered if Luke had finally lost it._

" _Phillips wife. We call her Judy."_

_We who? Jess wondered, but he didn't ask. "I wasn't bargaining."_

" _You were bargaining," Luke insisted. "You had expectations out of what you deserve. You don't nurture."_

" _Where are you getting all this junk?"_

" _Life." Luke gestured. "I've lived."_

_Jess stared. "What, in a Bette Midler movie?"_

" _I'm just trying to help you out."_

" _Oh please." Jess rolled his eyes. "You are the most dysfunctional person I know."_

" _Not anymore."_

_He wondered if that could really be true, if someone could change. "Your marriage to Nicole," he illustrated, "nothing but weird."_

" _I'm better now."_

" _Yeah, right. Right. Oh man, we're just a couple of losers."_

" _Well, things change my friend." Luke had a tone to his voice that puzzled Jess._

" _Oh yeah?"_

" _Stay tuned." Luke began to go upstairs, then turned. "You really told her you loved her?"_

_Jess sighed and raised his eyebrows. He'd said about all he was going to already._

_The conversation with Luke left Jess feeling empty and alone, vulnerable to an extent that he rarely let himself reach. It made him sneak out of the diner silently at that late hour and walk the streets in search of peace._

_Stars Hollow had exactly one payphone. Directly in front of Doose's Market, only seventy feet or so from Luke's Diner, it wasn't exactly private._

_Jess however, was willing to take what he could get. Even the gleaming phone booth directly under the streetlight was more private than the open space of Luke's apartment._

_The number was familiar as he dialed it. He prayed that he wouldn't be home, that no one would be home, that he's only have to talk to the answering machine._

" _Hello?"_

_No such luck. "Jimmy?"_

" _Yeah? Who's this?" Jimmy sounded irritable, which meant this probably hadn't been a good day._

_He swallowed. "It's me, Jess."_

" _Jess?"_

_Definitely not a good day. "Liz's son." That usually jogged his memory on a bad day. Jimmy frequently forgot who Jess was, but he never forgot Liz._

" _I used to be married to a Liz…"_

_Jess swallowed. "I know."_

" _I wasn't a very good husband. I ran out on her and our baby son. I shouldn't have done that." He sounded sad. "I bet she hates me now."_

_Jess closed his eyes, leaning against the cool metal of the phone booth. "She doesn't hate you, Jimmy."_

" _How do you know?" Jimmy sounded confused._

" _Jimmy? Who're you talkin' to?" Jess could hear Sasha calling him from the other room._

" _Someone named Jess." Jimmy called back._

_Jess knew exactly the expression that was coming over Sasha's face. He'd seen it many times while he was in Venice Beach, when Jimmy forgot the words for simple things like toast._

" _You know Jess, honey," Sasha told him patiently. "He's your son. Liz's boy."_

_Jess swallowed as he waited for Sasha's words to sink into Jimmy's brain. In fact, she's probably grabbed a picture of him off the table to use as a visual._

" _Jess?"_

" _Yeah?"_

_Jimmy sounded on the verge of tears. "I didn't forget you Jess, I swear. I just didn't recognize your name."_

" _I know."_

" _A father should recognize his own son's name."_

_Jess sighed. "It's not your fault, Jimmy."_

" _I didn't forget," Jimmy repeated._

_After a moment of silence, Sasha got on the line. "Jess, hun?"_

" _Hey, Sasha."_

" _Hi Jess." Sasha sounded her usual bright and cheerful despite the situation she was likely dealing with. "I'm sorry about all that. The doctor tried him on this new medication but all it seems to have done is make his memory worse."_

" _It's all right." Jess felt a lump rising in his throat. This had been a bad idea to begin with. It was better when he just didn't call. He just made things worse, upsetting Jimmy all the time._

_Jess heard the sound of glass breaking in the background._

" _Jimmy!" He heard Sasha call. "Jess? I have to go. Aw, Jimmy, not the clown…"_

_He listened to the dial tone for a few minutes before he hung up._

_Jimmy was better off forgetting him._


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Eight**

"And this is the Sterling Memorial Library." Rory pointed to the large building in front of them.

Lily stared up in amazement. "Wow, it's huge. That's the biggest library I've ever seen in my entire life."

She turned to Rory and Jess, who were watching her in amusement. "I couldn't… I couldn't go in, could I?"

"Why not?" Rory handed her a small laminated card. "Tell 'em your name's Rory and you can even check a couple books out."

"Really?" Lily's eyes were wide and she held the card almost reverently. "I can?"

Rory nodded. "As long as you return them before you go home I don't see why not."

She and Jess watched as Lily ran up the stone steps and into the building.

"You do realize we're never gonna get her out of there, don't you?" Jess remarked as Rory led him over to a shady area beneath a large tree.

She sat down beneath the large oak. "S'okay. I kinda figured."

Jess stared off in the distance at a random dorm building. He'd met Rory and Lily for breakfast, avoiding the dorm altogether. He knew she wasn't in the same room as before, but there were still too many memories associated with a dorm room in Yale.

ooo

_The whole way there he instructed himself to turn around and leave. He shouldn't be doing this, he should just leave her alone._

_But he couldn't._

_Despite the fact that Rory had every right to tell him off, to make him leave her alone forever, he had to try. Had to ask, had to take what he saw as his one last chance to be cared about._

_To care._

_With a deep breath, he pushed the door open and found himself face to face with Rory… and Dean._

" _What are you doing here?" He hadn't expected open arms, but Rory's voice was still harsher than he'd expected._

_He swallowed his pride and walked closer. "I need to talk to you."_

" _Jess…" Dean gritted his teeth and glared at him._

_Jess ignored the hulking and hairy man to his right. "I need to talk to you," he repeated, his eyes on Rory._

" _What's going on?" Dean demanded, looking from Rory to Jess and then back to Rory again._

_Rory's eyes widened in confusion. "What are you doing here?" she asked again._

_Making a fool out of himself. "Rory, please."_

" _Rory?" Dean asked incredulously, seeming to be waiting for something. Whatever it was, Jess had a feeling that it wasn't what would come out of Rory's mouth next._

" _Go… go home."_

" _No." Dean shook his head and glared at Jess, who merely stood there, waiting for his chance to speak._

" _Yes, go." Rory gave him a pleading look. "You should go."_

_Jess was oddly pleased by her words, and more pleased when Dean turned his back to them and left._

" _Why won't you leave me alone?"_

_He looked to Rory in surprise. Leave her alone? When had he done anything but that?_

" _You won't go away!"_

_He was so confused. He'd been going away for too long. He'd gone away at the Firelight Festival, when he'd wanted nothing more than to stay, had left the last three times he had seen her in fact. All he was ever doing was leaving, and for once he wanted to try to stay. "Rory." He tried to put all the emotion in his heart in the one word._

" _What do you want?" She practically spat the words at him._

" _I don't know." And he didn't. He didn't have the slightest clue of anything anymore. "I just wanted to see you… to talk to you. I just…" he trailed off._

" _What?"_

" _Come with me." The words slid out of his mouth almost before he knew what he was saying. It was crazy, it was psychotic but he had to ask, had to say it. He couldn't stop himself._

" _What?" Her mouth dropped open and she stared at him._

_Jess swallowed. Now he had to follow through with his request, no matter how humiliating it would be. "Come with me," he repeated._

_Rory blinked. "Where?"_

" _I don't know…" Jess tried desperately to think of a place. "Away!"_

" _Are you crazy."_

" _Probably," he muttered. "Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it." That was once piece of advice he was following._

" _I can't do that." Rory slid the key into the lock and pushed open her door._

_Jess followed her into the room. "You don't think you can do it, but you can. You can do whatever you want." Please want this._

" _It's not what I want."_

_His heart sank. "It is. I know you," he insisted._

_She shook her head. "You don't know me."_

" _Look we'll go to New York." He could finally get out of the hell-hole he'd been living in. "We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want." More than anything else in the world. "It's what you want too."_

_Even if it wasn't, Jess had the fervent hope that if he said it, she'd believe it._

_He should have known better._

" _No!" Rory shook her head again._

" _I want to be with you, but not here. Not this place. Not Stars Hollow." He practically spat the word. Anonymity was what he needed most in the world, but if Rory would go with him, he wouldn't be alone. "We have to start new." That was what Luke's book said. Start new, that was the only way to revive an old relationship._

" _There's nothing to start!" She backed away from him, but Jess couldn't stop._

" _You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can." Jess pleaded with her, begging with his eyes. He'd do anything to be with her again. Everything would be all right if only Rory would go with him._

_He wouldn't be afraid to live anymore._

" _No!"_

_Part of Jess knew that it was all over, but he couldn't stop. Not now. "Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it too. I know you do._

" _No!" The expression in her eyes showed that he'd hit a nerve, but she kept going. "No, no, no, no!"_

" _Don't say 'no' just to make me stop talking, or to make me go away. Only say 'no' if you really, don't want to be with me."_

" _No!" The word was out of her mouth almost before he finished._

_Jess took a step back, as if he'd been hit. Maybe he had. He forced a slight smile and dropped his gaze, backing up._

_And when he turned away, he vowed never to come back again._

_A promise desperation would later make him break._

ooo

"You okay?"

Jess looked up to find Rory staring at him with a concerned expression on her face. He nodded. "Yeah, I was just thinking."

"About what?" Rory smiled.

He looked over at the library. "I was wondering how many hours you were planning on waiting before we have to drag Lily out of there kicking and screaming."

Rory laughed. "Don't worry, at some point she'll have too many books to carry. My first time it only took me about ten minutes to pile up more books than I could hold. I had leave half of them on a table when I checked out."

Jess laughed a little, then frowned.

"What's wrong?" she asked, the concerned expression there once more.

"I've been thinking," Jess said slowly, not meeting her gaze.

"About?" she probed, looking nervous.

He took a deep breath. "I'm not getting tested."

Rory froze.

"For the gene. I-I'm not going to get the test."

She nodded. "T-that's what I thought. You sure?"

"No." He gave a half smile. "But that's what I'm going to do."

Rory reached over and squeezed his hand. "If it's what you want, then it's the right decision."

"Thank you," he whispered, meeting her stare.

Lily stumbled up to them, her arms piled high with hardcover books. "They've gotta start making these things lighter!" she exclaimed.

Rory glanced up. "Look, it's a pile of books with legs."

"Very funny." Her feet shifted. "Isn't anyone gonna help?"

Jess stood up and relieved her of about half the books.

"Thank you," she muttered, moving around the remaining books. "I though my shoulders were gonna pop out of their sockets."

Rory laughed, then looked over at Jess as she rose from the ground. "Jess? You okay?"

"What's this?" Jess demanded, motioning to the top book on Lily's stack.

"Oh." Lily bit her lip.

Rory leaned over to view the title.  _How to Pick the Right Nursing Home for Your Loved Ones_. Crap.

"Well?" Jess swallowed and stared at Lily.

She stared at the ground. "He's really sick, Jess."

"So you're throwing him into a nursing home!"

"It's not decided," she insisted. "Mom hasn't even told me yet, but I overheard her talking to someone. I just thought I should know what our options were."

Jess swore under his breath. "Is she…?" he swallowed. "Is Sasha going to put him a nursing home?"

"I don't know." Lily whispered. "She doesn't want to, but if he gets much worse she might."

ooo

_He walked Liz down the aisle, his mind reeling with all that he had read in the books Luke had given him. Some of it was a bunch of hogwash, but some of the stuff had really stuck in his mind._

_Jess knew it had been his fault he'd lost Rory. He also now realized how stupid it had been to just blurt out 'I love you' and then leave, without looking back. He'd been kind of hoping she'd be at the wedding so they could talk, but she was nowhere in sight as he left Liz at the front of the gazebo and took his seat, in front of Luke and Lorelai._

_For the first time in months Jess was considering letting himself care. He might not have the gene, after all. And even if he did, he could be happy for years before the disease affected him._

_He could be happy with Rory._

_As Liz and TJ gave their somewhat strange vows, Jess wondered how long it would take him to drive the 22.8 miles to Yale._


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Nine**

Lily stayed with them for a month.

Them, of course, being used figuratively since in the physical sense she was staying with Rory. But that wasn't why she was there, and both Rory and Jess knew it.

"I wish I could stay here forever," she confided to Jess one night during that time.

"No, you don't." The two of them were sprawled on the common room's floor, watching Leno re-runs while Rory studied for finals. "You'd get sick of me and then I'd start to piss you off. Or vice versa."

"Maybe."

"No maybe about it. Besides, don't you miss Sasha and Jimmy?" Jess knew he'd said the wrong thing the second the words came out of his mouth. He felt like a giant boot was stuffed in his mouth when the sentence finished coming out.

She nodded. "Thanks for letting me stay, Jess. I just needed to get away for awhile, you know?"

A nod. Oh yeah, he knew.

ooo

_It hurt too much to smile._

_Maybe that was why it irritated him so much when Luke burst through the apartment's door with a giant grin on his face._

" _What is it with you?" Jess grumbled._

_Luke continued to smile, but he didn't answer him. Instead he picked up that darn boombox he'd been so protective of only days earlier. The boombox and a stack of books he picked up, and then thrust them onto Jess's lap._

" _Here. I'm done with them. Enjoy."_

_The books were corny, but when Jess found out that Luke had actually had the guts to ask Lorelai out, he found himself reading them._

_And starting to believe that it was possible for him to love again._

ooo

"Hey, Uncle Luke," Lily chirped cheerfully as she hopped up onto a stool.

Luke eyed her. "I'm not yer uncle," he grumbled.

She shrugged. "Close enough. Can I have chocolate chip pancakes? With extra chocolate chips?"

"We'll see." Luke turned away.

Jess sat down beside her at the counter. "I'll have plain pancakes," he said to Luke's back.

Luke didn't respond.

"He doesn't go away if you ignore him," Lily commented, an evil little smile on her face.

Luke grunted and she laughed. Luke's gruffness didn't seem to phase her, Jess had noticed that the first time he brought her there. Well, the last time he'd brought her there.

He admired that about Lily. When faced with a cranky man in flannel she simply teased and/or made jokes instead of being afraid, or made nervous.

She was such a brave kid.

Braver than him. Lily faced her problems, he ran away from them.

Despite her teasing, Luke seemed to almost like Lily. Even Cesar had fallen under her spell. When the bell jingled and Lorelai walked into the diner, Lily was behind the counter, chatting cheerfully with the thickset Puerto Rican.

"Hey, babe." Lorelai leaned over the counter without a second thought and planted a big kiss on Luke's cheek.

Jess stared as the crabby man he knew as his uncle seemed to transform before his eyes. Luke's eyes softened and he even seemed to stand up taller. It was amazing.

ooo

_His chest constricted painfully as he watched Luke dance with Lorelai. Watched the playful way Lorelai looked up at Luke and the way after a moment, all awkwardness disappeared and was replaced with a closeness._

_A closeness Jess would never have._

_Lorelai had changed Luke, Jess realized at that exact moment. She made him a better person the way Rory had changed him._

_Too bad it hadn't been enough._

_The dance continued, Luke and Lorelai moving closer and closer until there wasn't a millimeter of space left between them._

_And Jess watched, entranced, unable to look away from the picture of what he would never have._

ooo

Jess didn't realize he was staring until Lily poked him in the arm. "Take a picture, it lasts longer," she teased gently, grinning at him.

He would. As corny as it sounded, he was taking a picture in his heart so he'd never forget.

"Did you ask him yet?" Lorelai hopped up on the stool next to Jess and waved over the counter at Lily.

Luke frowned. "Ask who what?"

"Oops." Lorelai cringed. "Sorry, Jess."

"It's okay." He took a deep breath while Luke raised his eyebrows.

"Jess? Is there something you need to ask me?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah. Uh.. I sorta uh… I mean I don't…"

"He needs money for Lily's plane ticket," Lorelai finished for him. "The girl needs to go home and neither her mother or Jess have enough."

Jess winced as he was reminded of that fact. It seemed the pittance Lily had filched from her mother's wallet had been all they had. He hadn't realized how tight things were financially for them and it killed him not to be able to help.

He'd been planning on asking Luke in a very diplomatic manner, complete with a schedule by which he would pay the money back.

He had not been expecting Luke to hand him a dark blue charge card.

"Get her first class," Luke said gruffly. "And no stopovers if you can."

Jess stared at the piece of plastic in his hand in shock.

So did Lorelai for that matter.

Jess opened his mouth to thank him, but Luke had disappeared into the kitchen.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Ten**

"I really appreciated this, Jess."

He shifted the phone on his shoulder and wiggled uncomfortably. "I didn't do anything," he muttered.

"Lily's home and reading in the closets again. You did a lot."

"Whatever," he muttered. There was no point in fighting with Sasha, she always won in the end and it was never pretty.

Sasha let out a sigh. "Are you okay, Jess?"

"I'm fine," Jess answered automatically.

It wasn't enough for Sasha. "Jess."

"What?"

"The truth." She paused. "Please."

"I'm here, aren't I?" That would have to be enough of an answer for her, because that was all Jess was willing to give.

"J-jess?" Sasha's voice wavered a bit.

"What?" he asked, his voice softening.

"You know how in  _The Wizard of Oz_ -"

"Sasha!"

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I guess I should just get right to it then, shouldn't I?"

"Yeah."

Jess held his breath, waiting for the bad news, waiting to hear what had happened. Maybe there were complications with Jimmy's meds. Maybe he'd lashed out at someone and hurt them, and the person was pressing charges.

But it was worse than any of that.

"Jess, I'm pregnant."

"Can I talk to Jess?"

Rory rolled over and glanced at the Hello Kitty alarm clock Lorelai had recently bought her. "Luke? It's almost midnight."

"I know." Luke was curt, but not rough. "I just wanted to check on Jess."

Her breath caught in her throat. "He, he isn't here."

"He isn't?"

"No." Rory sat up. "When did he leave?"

"I'm not sure. He stormed out of the diner earlier and I haven't seen him since. It was around… four maybe."

"Did Lily get to California okay?" Rory was already pulling on a pair of jeans.

"Her mom called earlier, so I'm assuming she did."

Damn. Rory grabbed a pair of socks and a coat. "I know where he is. I'll make sure he's okay, alright Luke?"

"Thanks."

Rory hung up the phone and closed her eyes.  _Please let him be okay,_  she willed silently.  _Not just for me, but for Luke too._

ooo _  
_

_Jess already had his coat on when Luke walked into the apartment. He took one look at Jess' emotionless face and the backpack beside him and knew the time had come. "Oh, hey. You leaving?"_

_Jess nodded. "Just hanging around to see if I'd catch you."_

" _Good, I'm glad you did." Luke was thankful for that. As awkward as goodbyes were, he hated not saying goodbye more. "You can stay a couple more days if you want. There's no rush."_

" _Gotta get back to work."_

" _Right, right." Luke swallowed. "Did you say goodbye to your mom?"_

" _Yeah, we're good." Jess gave him a half smile designed to reassure. "I gave her a cell phone number that's pretty permanent. Just got it. Left it for you on the fridge."_

_Luke was impressed. "Good."_

" _I want to pay you back." Jess said the words quickly, but carefully. "All the money."_

" _You don't have to."_

" _I want to." Jess took a deep breath. "And I appreciate it. Everything. The money, living here."_

" _Well, it's good to hear," Luke told him, "but I kind of knew that."_

_Jess gave him a wry smile. "Yeah, but in a relationship, any relationship, it's important to let the other person know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers that delay any hope for reciprocation."_

_Now Luke was really impressed. "I think I read that somewhere," he said with a smile._

" _Yeah?"_

" _You're hoping for reciprocation?" Luke didn't need to hear an answer. "You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here," he told him, hoping that Jess understood everything behind the words._

" _Thanks."_

_Jess started to shake Luke's hand, but Luke knew they both needed more than that. He tugged on Jess's hand and firmly embraced him. The hug was exactly what they both needed, for comfort, for closure._

" _The tie work out?" Jess asked with a smile._

" _The tie was perfect."_

ooo _  
_

"This is starting to become a habit." Rory sat down cross legged on the bridge behind Jess and watched his back tense.

"How did you know I was here?'

Instinct. "Lucky guess."

He still hadn't turned around. "I'm fine."

"Liar," Rory whispered.

What she saw when Jess finally turned around hit her straight in the gut.

Tears, some still streaming down his face and some long dried.

Jess Mariano was crying.

"Oh my god, Jess!" Rory moved herself closer and curled her arms around his shoulders, holding him to her chest. "What happened?"

He clutched blindly at her arms. "I can't do this. I can't handle it."

"What?" Rory whispered gently, patting his back and blinking back her own tears.

Jess pulled away and looked Rory straight in the eyes. "I'm never having kids."

"Wh-are you… huh?" Rory stared at him in confusion.

"I couldn't put a kid through what I've been through, not knowing."

Rory stared. "Not knowing what? Jess, what are you talking about?"

"Sasha's pregnant."

"Oh my god." Rory reached for Jess's hand and squeezed it. "When did-"

"She's due in April," he said stonily. "She's having a baby and she's thrilled."

Rory swallowed.

Jess swore loudly, his voice echoing in the cold night. "Why would she do this? Why would she get pregnant, knowing what she does?"

Rory stroked his arm, trying to calm him. "Maybe she wants something to remember Jimmy by. Maybe she didn't plan it. Jess, we don't know what happened."

"If I have to watch my father die, I refuse to do it again." Jess clung to her hand. "I can't watch that kid grow up, not knowing…"

Rory held his head to her chest while he cried, kissing his forehead intermittently. She didn't know what to do. In fact, she was pretty sure there wasn't anything she  _could_  do.

Except love him.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Eleven**

Jess crept in late after crying in Rory's arms and immediately fell into bed. His head throbbed and his whole body felt weak. He didn't notice the light still on in Luke's bedroom; he was too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep.

The morning fell quicker than he would have liked, sunlight streaming far too cheerfully into the apartment through a small window near his bed. Jess turned his face into the pillow, but then his warm cocoon disappeared.

Jess forced his eyes open and saw Luke, hovering over him, holding his blanket. "G'morning," he croaked, his throat dry and scratchy.

"Where the hell were you last night!" Luke flung the blanket onto the floor.

Jess blinked. "Huh?"

"Last night. Where. Were. You."

"Out." Jess took a deep breath and forced himself to sit up.

"Out where?"

Jess tilted his head. "You really have some unresolved control issues don't you, Uncle Luke?"

"Dammit Jess! Don't do this to me!" Luke exclaimed, pacing the floor beside the bed. "Do you have any idea how out of my mind worried I was about you last night?"

Jess stayed silent.

"Just tell me what's going on," Luke pleaded.

"Nothing!"

"Please." Luke rolled his eyes. "I suppose 'nothing' is the reason you came crawling back to Stars Hollow with your tail between your legs? What am I supposed to think Jess? You show up, out of the middle of nowhere, and have been walking around like a zombie for the past two months, you've got strange step-sisters showing up out of the blue, and you expect me to still believe nothing's going on?"

"Yes." Jess swallowed and stood up. "I expect you to let it go, but since you're not willing to do that, here it is: I had nowhere else to go, and you said you'd always be there for me, so I came. If I'd wanted to talk about my problems and get all touchy feely with someone I'd have gone to stay with Liz and TJ. But I didn't. I came here because for some reason I thought you'd leave me the hell alone!"

Luke was quiet.

"I don't want to talk," Jess continued. "If you want me to leave, fine, but it won't change my mind.

Luke nodded and left.

***

 

TJ popped a Junior Mint into his mouth. "This contractor manual is giving me a headache."

"How far are you?" Liz leaned across the bed and slipped the book out of his hands. "Aw, TJ, you're doing really good, baby."

TJ beamed and went back to his book.

Suddenly Liz frowned. "Hey sweets, did you get the mail today?"

TJ shook his head. "Bob Gleason over at the post office had some Asian flu thing last week and the mail's been backed up ever since."

Liz sighed. "And Betty Lou took over for him today so we should have gotten mail."

"Oh." TJ shrugged. "I hadn't heard that."

Liz slipped off the bed with another sigh and pulled a pair of jeans over her nightgown. "Fine, I'll do it myself," she muttered and headed downstairs.

She rolled her eyes when she reached the end of the driveway and saw the mailbox. Apparently Betty Lou had decided to simply stuff as much mail as she could in the actual box, and then piled the rest on top with a large garden gnome holding it down.

Some of the mail was postmarked weeks before, and one letter in particular seemed to have been circulating all of Liz's past addresses for nearly two months before it finally arrived at her current residence.

The return address was unfamiliar, from a place called Venice Beach in California. Liz frowned as she balanced her armful and tried to open the front door. Where had she heard of that town before?

Once inside, she abandoned the mail on TJ's Easy Boy Lazy Chair and carried the tattered envelope back upstairs with her. She perched on the end of the bed and read the address again.

"TJ?" she asked, hating to distract him from his contractor book but too curious for that to stop her. "Who do we know in Venice Beach?"

TJ frowned and looked up from his book. "Wasn't Jess living there last year?"

"Right." Of course. Liz frowned. Jess never wrote her letters, and she was pretty sure he hadn't been in Venice Beach for almost six months, so why was she getting a letter from there? She bit her lip and tore open the envelope.

The handwriting inside was unsteady, but uncannily familiar. "Jimmy," she whispered softly as she read the letter.

"Who's Jimmy?" TJ asked, concerned as a tear rolled down Liz's cheek.

"He's Jess' father."

***

 

"Everything's just so screwed up," Jess murmured. Paris had classes so he and Rory were sprawled across the couch in her dorm room watching C-SPAN with the sound off.

"I know," Rory said. She and Jess were sitting on opposite sides of the couch but their fingers were entwined over the cushions, and every so often Jess stroked his thumb over her fingers which sent chills up her arm. It was distracting to say the least. She was supposed to be comforting him, and all she really wanted to do was jump his bones.

"…you know what I mean?" Jess was saying, and Rory nodded nervously, wishing she was paying better attention.

If only he didn't smell so good. Every time Jess shifted or inhaled too deeply he sent a light breeze of his scent towards her and it was driving her crazy.

Unbeknownst to her, Jess was feeling nearly as frustrated as she was. Rory had this little lock of hair that kept falling in her eyes, and she would wait exactly 3.5 seconds before tucking it back behind her ears.

He kept trying not to watch, but then the lock would fall and draw his eyes back to her pink cheek, which was coincidentally right next to her lips.

"I don't want to make Sasha feel bad," Jess told her, attempting to keep his eyes on anything but her lips, or that little lock of hair. "I just kind of snapped when she told me. A kid's just one extra complication this situation doesn't need."

Rory slid closer and rested her head on his shoulder. "Somehow I don't think Sasha planned on getting pregnant right now," she said softly. "Don't punish her for finding joy in something that's just as hard for her as it's going to be for you."

"What if I love it?" Jess whispered, burying his nose in her hair. "There's a fifty/fifty chance this baby is going to have it."

"Yeah there is," Rory said honestly. Jess never actually said the word "Huntingtons" out loud.

"You shouldn't be here." Jess squeezed Rory's hand and released it, drawing his arm around her shoulders and holding on tight. "I should make you leave."

"Why?"

Rory looked afraid that she had said something wrong, so he hurried to correct her. "I shouldn't be involved with anyone right now, not without knowing."

Rory tilted her head up at him. "I chose to be here. I know the risks. It's not your choice anymore, so don't you dare try and push me away now."

"I should," Jess insisted, his fingers digging into her arm. "I should but I don't think I'm strong enough."

Rory cupped his cheek and smiled. "You're the strongest person I know."

Their eyes met. He felt like her fingers were burning into his flesh. Rory leaned in slightly, then hesitated. His stomach tensed.

Jess was about to pull away, to resist the attraction, when a lock of hair fell onto Rory's cheek. "I give up," he murmured and crushed his lips against hers.

He kept considering pulling away, stopping what he shouldn't have started, but every time he tried he felt the distinct stroke of several strands of hair on his cheek and captured her lips again.

It was heaven and it was hell.


	13. Chapter 13

 

**Chapter Twelve**

"Are you pregnant?"

Liz dropped the mug she was holding, sending a slosh of hot liquid all over the counter (and Luke's left pant leg). "Holy mother of Oprah! What in the world would make you as something like that?"

"You've been in here for three hours," Luke tossed a dishcloth onto the counter, "drinking cup after cup of chamomile tea. You hate chamomile tea."

Liz dropped her gaze to the cup, staring as if she hadn't seen it before now. She too an exploratory sip and then pushed the cup away. "You're right, I do hate chamomile tea."

Luke nodded. "So, are you…?"

"No!"

"Well," he shrugged. "What else am I supposed to think when you act weird like that? When you came to tell me you were pregnant with Jess you ate an entire box of Ritz crackers."

"And promptly barfed them back up if I remember correctly," Liz remarked wryly.

Wordlessly Luke pulled a metal bowl from under the counter and set it in front of her.

"Very funny."

Liz sighed and her eyes darkened. "I wish it were that simple," she murmured.

If Luke wasn't concerned before then, he was now. He ignored a customer waving an empty coffee cup at him and leaned closer to Liz. "What do you mean?"

"It's a horrible disease." Liz pushed the metal bowl off to one side. "I knew something had to be wrong with him, but I just didn't think it was… quite this bad, you know?"

Luke swallowed.

"You know that's why Jess only stayed in California for two months? His father didn't even have a clue where he was until recently. Jess keeps in touch with his girlfriend's daughter, but she didn't dare tell where he was. She was afraid he'd stop calling her. I just can't believe he's known about this for over a year."

His worst suspicions already confirmed, Luke pressed for more information. "How did you find out?" he asked casually, desperately wanting to find out what was going on.

"Jimmy wrote me a letter. It hardly made any sense, so I had TJ show me how to google Huntington's and I started reading." She shivered, suddenly pulling her mug of tea back and taking a sip.

"You've probably done more research than me…" Luke trailed off. If the whole diner thing didn't work out, he had a feeling he might do well to consider a career as an undercover investigator.

"It's a flipping death sentence, Luke." Liz looked like she was about to fall apart. "Given what I read and what Jimmy said in the letter, he isn't going to live very much longer."

Luke moved from behind the counter to sit beside Liz on one of the stools. "Oh Liz, I'm so sorry. I know you and Jimmy were really close at one time."

Liz shook her head. "It's not that. It's what this all means to Jess."

"I understand that this will be hard for him," Luke began, but Liz was already shaking her head again. "What?" he asked.

"There is a fifty fifty chance that Jess might have it too."

Luke felt his stomach plummet to the floor. "What?" he said weakly. Surely he had not heard her right.

Liz's eyes were filling up with tears. "It's genetic, Luke. If a child has a parent with Huntington's than he or she has a fifty fifty chance of having the gene. And if you have the gene, you get the disease."

"Oh my god." Luke was stunned, more than stunned. He had wanted to know, he had wanted to find out what was going on with Jess, but he couldn't have imagined this in his wildest dreams.

Liz leaned in and Luke put his arms around her instinctively. "I don't want my kid to die," she whispered, letting out a small sob.

"He's not going to." Luke swallowed. "He can't."

 

***

 

"Aw geez, did Luke send you up here to grill me?" Probably not the reaction Liz was hoping for by coming to visit, but Jess couldn't help but let it slip out. Luke had been slipping him these looks for days, like he wanted to ask him again what was wrong, but he didn't want to start another fight.

Liz stepped inside the apartment, closing the door softly behind her. "No, Luke did not send me here to find out what is the matter with you because I already know."

"What?" Jess' jaw dropped. "What are you talking about, Liz?'

"You know what I'm talking about." Liz crossed your arms. "You've been running from this for a year now, you'd better know what I'm talking about."

Jess remained silent, determined to wait her out.

Liz crossed the room and sat down in a chair. "Yesterday, I got this funny letter that has been following me around from address to address before it finally made it here. It was a little old, but I got the general gist. Want to know who it was from?"

"No," Jess mumbled.

"Tough." Liz glared at him. "It was from your father."

Jess frowned. "I didn't think you guys talked."

"We didn't." Liz crossed her legs. "But finding out that you're going to die tends to make people want to tie up loose ends."

Jess froze. "He told you?"

Liz nodded. "Yeah, he told me. A lot of it didn't make sense, so I looked up Huntington's on the internet."

"I didn't know you knew how to use the internet."

"Don't change the subject," Liz snapped. "You've known about this for a whole year and it never occurred to you that I might want to know about it?"

"It was none of your business!" Jess exclaimed. "I didn't want anyone to know about it because I wasn't even sure how I felt about it. Sheesh."

Liz stood up. She was clearly going to get nowhere with him and despite the way she had burst in she wasn't in the mood to fight. "I'm going to California on Friday. I thought you might want to know in case you wanted to come with me."

Jess was still staring after her when the door slammed behind her.

Oh crap.

***

 

Rory came as soon as Jess called, she was good about things like that. An hour later found them sitting side by side on the couch, Rory cuddled into his side.

"So, she's going to California?" Rory asked, playing with the buttons on Jess' shirt.

Jess took a deep breath. "Apparently she is. And she actually asked me to go with her."

"Really." Rory swallowed.

"Yeah."

"You're not going, are you?" she asked.

Jess shook his head. "Heck no. I'm not ready to go back there and face everything."

"You have to face it sometime." Rory continued playing with his buttons.

"Not yet."

"I'd love to meet Sasha and Jimmy someday," Rory murmured.

Jess sighed. "You do?"

Rory nodded. "They're your family. Of course I would want to meet them."

Jess was silent for such a long time that Rory wondered if he had fallen asleep. Finally, he spoke, his chest rumbling against her cheek as the words were spoken. "You want to go with Liz, don't you."

"Kind of." Rory paused. "I won't go if it makes you too uncomfortable."

Jess used one finger to tilt Rory's chin up so he could look her in the eye. "Just how important is this to you?" he asked.

"Pretty important," Rory admitted. "I just feel like I'll never really understand you if I don't meet them, you know?"

"You can't go alone," he said finally.

"I wouldn't be alone, I'd be with Liz."

"I don't know if I'm ready to face Jimmy." Jess rested his forehead against Rory's. "But if you want to go that badly, I'll at least keep you company in the hotel."

Rory's eyes widened. "Are you sure?" she asked softly. "I didn't mean to pressure you."

"You didn't and I'm sure," Jess reassured her. "I promise."

"Thank you." Rory kissed him softly on the lips, a quick kiss that still sent a chill down his spine.

***

 

Lorelai really began getting nervous the second Luke walked through the back door to her house. This shouldn't have been weird, because Luke had been staying there pretty much full time since Jess showed up and took up residence in Luke's apartment, but there was a general weirdness in the air even then.

The evening actually went pretty much as many of them always did, they watched a movie, Lorelai mocked and Luke looked bored, then they went to bed. Lorelai feigned sleep for awhile before she realized that Luke had not so much as closed his eyes, and turned to him.

"Are you okay?" she asked. He clearly wasn't, but she asked anyway, just in case it would be as easy as him telling her straight out what was the matter.

Luke, never being one to do anything the easy way, mumbled that he was fine.

Lorelai crossed her arms and stared at the ceiling for awhile. Maybe he was fine. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but she really did have the feeling that something was seriously wrong with Luke.

"Are you sure?" she asked, a little plaintively. Luke didn't answer and she looked over to see if he had fallen asleep, which he hadn't.

He was crying.

Torn between feeling incredibly uncomfortable with Luke crying and needing to comfort him, Lorelai put her arm around him awkwardly. "It's okay," she murmured, even though it clearly wasn't.

Luke continued to cry, burying his face in her hair. Lorelai adjusted her arms to hug him better, and listened his heart beat. "Luke," she murmured.

Luke pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. "I don't know what I'm going to do," he whispered.

Lorelai, still unsure of how to react to her usually gruff and tough boyfriend crying in her arms, simply held him as he wept. Ironically, she wondered if someone had died.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Thirteen**

California smelled different, Rory noted as she and Jess stepped off the plane, Liz not far behind them. It smelled clean, warm, and like sunshine. She could not help but smile as they stepped onto the runway.

A small tent/tunnel was set up and the three passengers trooped down it, heading towards the airport. Liz seemed to be enjoying the warm air as much as Rory, smiling and taking deep breaths. Jess' expression had not changed much for the entire plane ride, and continued to be hard and indiscernible.

Rory exchanged glances with Liz occasionally, but mostly they tried not to think about how Jess was doing. It was hard enough to imagine what they were going to see here.

Potted palm trees adorned the waiting area/baggage claim in the Venice airport. Many different passengers were already milling around the area, waiting for people or getting ready to begin their vacations.

"Rory!" The brown haired teenager flung herself at Rory, nearly knocking her over in her excitement.

Rory grinned down at the girl. "Lily! I'm so glad you came to pick us up."

"Hey, Lily," Jess grunted, but his eyes were still scanning the crowd.

"He didn't come." Lily voiced what they all knew Jess was wondering. "It's just Mom and me."

As if on cue, a woman with short bleach blonde hair walked up. She was dressed in a pair of frayed jean shorts and a tie dye muscle tank, with a bright blue scarf tied around her head. "Hello everyone, I'm Sasha," she introduced herself.

"This is Rory," Lily told her mother, and Rory allowed herself to be embraced by the woman as well.

Liz introduced herself as well to Sasha and Lily, and then Sasha turned her attention to Jess. "I'm really glad you decided to come," she said honestly.

Jess' jaw tightened, but he didn't say anything.

Sasha drove them to their hotel, which was right on the beach. Lily and Sasha ran off to show Liz the sights, but Rory held back with Jess as he walked slowly on the sand.

"It's really beautiful here," she told him, watching his expression for changes.

Jess grunted. He kept walking down the sand until he could see the outline of a red food stand in the distance. Rory glanced nervously at him. That was where everyone else had seemed to be headed, and she was pretty sure it had some major significance in Jess' life.

"Dante's Inferno," Jess said softly. "Jimmy's hot dog stand that he always dreamed of owning."

"Oh." Rory swallowed. "Do you want to go see it?"

Jess shook his head and turned back to the ocean. "No."

Rory was curious, but she didn't want to pressure him. She could slip away with Lily sometime and see the hot dog stand if she wanted, but it wasn't really important, especially not now.

After a few minutes, Jess turned back to her. "Let's go back to the hotel."

Jess made Rory go with Lily so she could see the sights in Venice Beach, but she couldn't bring herself to stay away too long. She got dropped off back at the hotel and knocked gingerly on Jess' door, hoping that he was still there.

"What are you doing here?" he asked gruffly when he caught sight of her.

Rory squirmed. "I didn't want you to be here alone," she told him.

Jess grunted, but he let the door fall open further so she could come in.

"You were right," she said, settling herself on the end of one of the room's double beds. The television played softly in the background. "Venice Beach is filled with some of the weirdest people on the planet, but that's what makes it so cool."

Jess nodded. "Huh."

Rory clasped her hands. "Why don't you come sit down?" she suggested, trying to smile reassuringly.

For a minute she thought he was going to ignore her, but then he sat down gingerly beside her. He stared at the television screen, which was playing some old ESPN highlights.

Rory knew he didn't care about sports, he never had, so Jess was clearly just avoiding talking to her. She knew he had every right to do so, but she didn't want to let him slip away now that she had finally gotten close to him.

"Jess," she said softly, reaching over to take his hand.

"Stop it!" Jess exploded, jumping up from the bed. "Don't do this to me."

"What?" Rory bit her lip. "Jess, what did I do?"

He couldn't meet her eyes. He paced slightly, kept stopping as if he had something he needed to say. "I don't want pity love from you," he said finally.

"This isn't pity love." Rory swallowed.

Jess looked up then, his eyes full of pain. "I just, I just can't pretend this isn't happening, you know? I don't want to be comforted; I don't want to be happy right now."

Rory nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Thanks," Jess mumbled, sitting back down on the bed.

She snuck a quick kiss to his mouth and hopped up. "You can call my room if you want some company," she told him, and left.

Jess stared after her for a moment before opening the minibar. He might as well drown his sorrows in a tiny bottle of pink tequila.

***

 

Liz probably stood at the door for a good ten minutes, babbling to herself, before she finally went in. Jimmy was sleeping, that took some of the pressure off. She had a few more minutes to decide what to say to him.

There was a orange shag mushroom stool near the bed. She pulled it closer and took a seat on it, taking this opportunity to take a closer look at the man she had been married to all those years ago.

He was still as handsome as ever, with the roguish brown hair that curled the exact right amount. The dark circles under his eyes looked new, and he was thin to the point of being almost gaunt. Liz tried not to notice those things right away, instead trying to focus on the things that reminded her of the twenty year old man she had married in Vegas nearly two decades ago.

"Mom?" The voice was grisly and not quite awake.

"Now there's a way to end up sleeping on the couch," Liz quipped.

Jimmy opened his eyes and blinked. "Liz?" he asked in utter and complete disbelief.

She forced a smile. "Oh good, I was worrying the other day that I was getting old and that no one that I used to know would be able to recognize me, but I guess I'm not too old yet."

Jimmy blinked again. "I didn't think you cared."

"You gave me a pretty great kid, it's kinda hard not to care." Liz squirmed.

Jimmy's expression was blank. "Why are you here?" he asked, moving up to lean against the pillows a little better.

"I got your letter." Liz swallowed. "I would have been here sooner but it took until now to get it."

"I sent the letter?" Jimmy frowned. "I kept changing my mind, I forgot what I eventually decided."

Liz nodded. "You sent it."

"Good." Jimmy swallowed. "Have you seen… I mean… how's Jess?"

Liz dropped her eyes. "He's good," she lied smoothly. "He's doing really well."

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fourteen**

"I just can't believe I'm already showing." Sasha turned sideways to show Rory her bump. "With Lily you couldn't tell I was pregnant until I was seven months, but with this one I seem to have popped overnight."

Rory took a sip of water. "You look amazing. If I ever have kids I hope I look as good as you when I'm pregnant."

"Why wouldn't you have kids?" Sasha stopped staring at her tummy and leaned onto the counter to talk to her. "You're young, cute, fertile."

She winked at Rory who couldn't help laugh. "Yeah, but…" Her eyes drifted over to Lily's room where Jess had taken up residence. "I just don't know if that will ever happen," she said finally.

"Oh." Sasha caught on and the smile drained from her face. "I know maybe Jess doesn't think so, but it's worth the risk to me. I know I'm going to lose Jimmy, but I'm going to have a little part of him left in this baby. Whether he or she lives one year or one hundred, I'll at least have that much."

Rory swallowed and played with the condensation on the edge of her glass. "I just don't know if I'm that brave," she admitted.

"You're whatever you need to be." Sasha covered Rory's hand with her own. "Life doesn't throw us anything we can't handle."

"You really believe that?"

"Of course." Sasha smiled. "If you don't, what's the point?"

***

 

Lily opened up her closet door and stared inside, where underneath her jean skirts Jess was curled, arms wrapped around his knees. She pushed aside her favorite pair of pink Uggs and sat down next to him.

"I though you were still at the hotel."

Jess shook his head. "Rory wanted to come. I felt bad making her come by herself."

"Oh." Lily leaned her head back. "Have you seen him?"

"No."

"Didn't think so." She sighed. "Are you going to? I mean, before you go back to Connecticut?"

Jess closed his eyes. "I don't know."

"I think you should." Lily gulped. "I mean, I think it would mean a lot to Jimmy if you did." She rested her head on his shoulder.

"I know it would," Jess said softly. "I'm just not sure."

"That's okay." Lily was silent for a minute.

"How is he?" Jess asked softly.

Lily lifted her head to look at him. Jess' expression was guarded, hesitant, yet strangely vulnerable. "He doesn't forget too much stuff, but he trips a lot, and Mom doesn't like to leave him alone."

Jess nodded. "Thanks for not sugar coating it."

"No problem." Lily stretched out her legs slowly. "Jess?" she asked, sitting on her hands nervously.

"What?"

"Don't be mad at mom about the baby."

Jess was silent.

"Please?" Lily pleaded. "Jimmy was mad at first too, but now he's happy because she's so happy. She's really happy."

Jess carefully met Lily's eyes. "Look," he said gruffly, "I know I don't deal with all of this crap in the right way and I always say the wrong things, but just know that it's never you guys that I'm angry with."

Lily bit her lip. "So you're not mad?"

Jess shook his head. "Not at Sasha," he said bitterly.

"At Jimmy?"

"No." Jess sighed. "The only person I'm angry with is me."

Lily frowned. "Why are you mad at yourself?"

"I don't know," Jess said finally. "I really don't know, Lil."

***

 

"And then the cops chased you guys for like twelve blocks before they gave up." Liz laughed, leaning closer to Jimmy. "Aw, man, those were the days."

"Yeah." Jimmy smiled. Reminiscing with Liz was like watching an episode of Cops: Couples Edition. They had gotten in so much trouble together, even after they were married.

Liz sighed, still smiling. "It's amazing Jess turned out as normal as he did with us for parents."

"I can't really claim any responsibility to that," Jimmy said. "All I did was change a couple of diapers and then keep him out of trouble for one summer when he had already turned eighteen."

Liz blinked. "When did you ever change his diapers?" she asked.

"Uh." Jimmy gulped. "I'm pretty sure I at least changed one."

"I don't think so," Liz teased him. "You usually ran very fast and far at the first whiff of his dirty diaper."

Jimmy held up his hands. "Okay, I confess. I didn't even do that much back then except peer over the edge of the crib and hope he'd grow some hair soon."

"The boy did not have an ounce of hair until he was two."

"Seriously?" Jimmy blinked. "Oh man, I can't wait to tell Lily, she'll love that."

"Lily's a nice girl," Liz told him. "And Sasha is a very kind woman. You did good, Jimmy. Real good."

Jimmy frowned. "Not as good as I would have liked to."

"You did the best you could," Liz said. "We did the best we could. Neither of us are exactly saints. Things could have gone a lot differently for me if I hadn't had Luke to fall back on when I needed him. I almost lost Jess, did you know that? I sent him to live with Luke for two years when I didn't know how to handle him."

"Jess told me a little about that." Jimmy smiled. "Something about a flannel wearing maniac was mentioned at times. He was pretty hurt that summer he showed up out here."

"Tough love," Liz murmured. "I never was much good at stuff like that. When he was little I hated to hear him cry and I think he knew it."

Jimmy was drooping. "I wish I could have seen him more," he whispered.

"There's plenty of time," Liz said, biting her lip. "I'm sure you two will get to spend lots more time together."

"I don't know." Jimmy's voice was beginning to slur, and not just from his fatigue. "I don't know if he's ever going to come back out here."

Liz was silent, thankful that Jimmy had closed his eyes and could not see her wringing her hands.

"Hey, Liz?"

"Yeah?"

Jimmy reached out and squeezed her hand. "Could you tell Jess that I'd like to see him again?"

Liz blinked back tears. "Of course. I'll tell him, Jimmy. I'll tell him."

When she was sure that he was asleep she crept out of the room and down the hall. Rory and Sasha were sitting on the couch. Sasha was trying to show her how to crochet with a ball of fuzzy pink yarn. They both looked up questioningly at her.

"He's asleep," she told them, watching the relieved look come across Sasha's face. "But he wants me to talk to Jess."

Rory's head flew up. "You told him Jess is here?"

"No." Liz shook her head. "I didn't want to tell him unless there was a chance Jess would actually come to visit."

Sasha glanced at Rory. "Maybe one of us should go talk to him."

Rory glanced at Liz. "I don't know. He hasn't left Lily's room since we got here."

"He came?" Liz stared at Rory in shock. "I thought he was holing himself up in the hotel room for the rest of the trip."

Rory shrugged. "He decided to come to see Lily, I guess."

Liz glanced at Sasha. "You're right, maybe someone should go talk to him."

They both looked at Rory.

Rory blinked. "Me?" she squeaked.

"You got him here," Liz stated.

Rory frowned. "I don't want to push him."

"You won't be pushing him," Sasha said. "All you are doing is passing on the message that Jess would like to talk to him."

Rory swallowed and thought it over for a minute. "Do you really think it will make a difference if I tell him?"

Liz and Sasha both nodded.

Rory put her crocheting attempt down on the couch and walked down the hall to Lily's room. She walked in and could hear low voices talking, but saw neither Jess nor Rory until she passed the open closet door.

"Hi." Lily waved, giving her a sheepish smile.

"Hi." Rory glanced at Jess, who was looking more relaxed than he had in a long time. "Lily, do you mind giving Jess and I a minute to talk privately?"

Lily glanced at Jess, who nodded, before she answered. "Okay." She climbed to her feet and left the room, taking one last glance at Jess before she walked out.

"This is quite the hiding place." Rory took Lily's place beside Jess in the shallow closet. "Come here often?"

Jess couldn't help but smile. "When Lily was younger we used to find her in the strangest places, reading. This one was of her favorites."

"Cozy." Rory sighed and stared ahead of them.

Jess linked his fingers with hers. "Did you come here for any particular reason?"

"No." Rory swallowed. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know, I just…"

"Spit it out."

Rory sighed. "Jimmy asked Liz if she'd tell you he wanted to see you again."

"I had a feeling." Jess nodded. "And you think I should go?"

"It's your choice," Rory began.

"You think I should go?" Jess asked again, staring pointedly at her.

She nodded. "Yeah, I do think you should talk to him."

"All right." Jess sighed and pulled himself to his feet. "All right, I'll talk to him."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Fifteen**

The silence had never seemed so loud to Jess. Rory had offered to go with him, but he couldn't afford to be weak, he had to face this on his own. He'd already been relying on her far too much.

Jimmy was sound asleep. Lily said he slept a lot, that the medication the doctors gave him made him sleepy. It was just as well, it gave Jess a chance to put his thoughts together.

He'd been running from this for so long that it was hard to fathom that he was actually sitting here. The guilt swelled up in a giant wave, making Jess regret all the time he had spent away from his father.

"I'm such a jerk," he muttered to himself.

"I see you inherited my self esteem."

Jess looked up in surprise.

Jimmy still had his eyes closed. "Although I usually use a few choice expletives for fun. Are you really here or are the drugs giving me those freaky ass dreams again?"

"I'm here." Jess swallowed. "I uh, heard you wanted to talk to me."

Jimmy opened one eye. "Unless I'm rip van winkle I told your mother that less than an hour ago, so how did you manage to get here so fast?"

"Uhh," Jess gulped. "I was uh, kind of already here."

"Huh." Jimmy stretched. "How long were you here before you got guilted into coming to visit me?"

Jess made a show of glancing at an imaginary watch. "Less than twenty four hours."

Jimmy straightened. "Huh. I see Sasha's losing her touch."

"I'm sorry," Jess said suddenly. "I should have come sooner."

Jimmy shook his head. "Nah, you had plenty of reasons to stay away. Trust me, I can relate to running away instead of facing your problems."

"I should have been here for you guys…"

"Jess," Jimmy interrupted. "Chill, okay? I know why you left and I know why you stayed away. Lets not make this a bigger deal than it has to be."

Jess was silent.

"Are you okay?" Jimmy asked.

"I'm not taking the test," Jess blurted out.

Jimmy stared. "I wasn't going to ask, but its your decision. I just want to know that you're okay, in the most general sense of the question."

"I'm fine," Jess murmured, embarrassed.

"Good." Jimmy nodded, staring off into space.

***

 

"Does he still do that thing, with the," Liz trailed off, gesturing creatively.

Sasha nodded. "All the time. It's so weird."

Rory glanced at Lily. This night was just getting more and more surreal as it went on. Jess had been gone for an hour, and Sasha ordered a couple pizza's which hadn't gotten there yet, which according to her meant the delivery boys were probably stoned and they would have to pick it up themselves.

"When I told him I was pregnant with Jess he acted like he had no idea how it had happened."

Sasha cracked up at that. "Oh my word, he did the same thing when I told him! It was like gist of that birds and the bees talk never permeated to the far reaches of his brain."

Lily looked at the clock. "Um, Mom? Maybe Rory and I should go get the pizza."

"Aw, I don't want to make her do that," Sasha said, shaking her head. "Rory is our guest. She shouldn't be off chasing stoned delivery boys."

"I really don't mind," Rory piped up. Chasing stoners sounded strangely less weird than the Jimmy Mariano's significant others bonding session that seemed to be going on in the kitchen.

"Oh." Sasha frowned. "Well, okay. Lily can show you were the keys are and everything, if you're sure you don't mind."

Rory caught Lily's desperate look and nodded. "It's no problem."

As they dashed out of the house, keys jangling loudly, Lily turned to Rory and shuddered. "That was all kinds of weird in there."

"Oh yeah." Rory nodded. "Oh yeah."

***

 

"So, there's something we need to talk about."

Jess looked up in surprise. He and Jimmy had been talking for almost three hours now. A little while before, Lily had brought them in a pizza that she and Rory had bravely retrieved from the parlor on the boardwalk.

Jess and Jimmy were now sprawled on top of the bedspread, crumbs and pizza crusts spread around them in a mess that Sasha would not be happy to see.

"What do we need to talk about?" Jess asked. He didn't want things to turn serious. He had been enjoying tonight, enjoying pretending that everything was normal with Jimmy. It was easy enough to ignore the forgetfulness and the small muscle jerks, but if Jimmy wanted to talk about something serious enough to warrant an introduction, it meant the peacefulness that the evening had taken on was about to end.

"I've been having my attorney draw up some papers." Jimmy pushed himself up into a sitting position. "I've created a living will and I want to give you power of attorney over it."

Jess blinked. "What exactly does that mean?" he asked.

"It means that when I get sicker, and I can't make decisions on my own for my care, you will have full control." Jimmy stared unblinkingly at him.

"Huh." Jess squirmed. "Um, shouldn't that be Sasha, or someone else who lives closer to you?"

Jimmy shook his head. "I don't want Sasha to have to have that responsibility. If it were up to her, she'd keep me here until she was completely burnt out. You are the only one I trust to fulfill my wishes, one of which is to be put into a nursing home when the day to day care gets to be too much for her."

"Aw, Jimmy." Jess let out a deep breath. "I don't know…"

"Please." Jimmy was still staring at him. "I love her and Lily so much, Jess. I need you to make the right decision for them. It's all going to go downhill from here, Jess. I'm getting worse. I need you to be looking out for them. Forget me, I'm gonna die anyway."

Jess flinched.

"Promise me, Jess. Promise me you'll do this for me, for them." Jimmy took a deep breath and let it out. "Do this for your new half brother or sister."

He was fighting dirty. Jess nodded slowly. "If it's what you really want," he said softly.

"It is." Jimmy leaned back in relief. "I'll have my lawyer call you to sign the papers before you leave."

***

 

"So everything is all right?" Sasha asked Jess later on. Liz and Rory had taken a cab back to the hotel earlier, and Lily had dozed off on the couch during a movie. It was just the two of them sitting in the living room.

Jess nodded. "Yeah, it's all fine."

"Are you sure?" Sasha wasn't used to things going so well, she couldn't help looking for the catch.

Jess hesitated briefly. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"You don't sound that positive."

"I am." Jess sighed. "Jimmy just wanted to talk to me about the future."

Sasha swallowed. "Yours or his?"

"His." Jess watched Lily sleeping across the room. "He's just trying to get everything sorted out, you know?"

"No, I don't know." Sasha told him. "We don't talk that much about the future, I think Jimmy assumes it's too much for me because of the baby."

Jess glanced at her stomach. "He doesn't want there to be too much responsibility on you, I guess."

"What do you mean?" Sasha looked nervously at Jess.

"Nothing." Jess shook his head. "He just wants to make sure I look out for you, that's all."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Sixteen**

It was past midnight when Jess finally left the house on Windward Circle. Rory and Liz had taken a cab back to the hotel a couple hours earlier, and Jess suddenly felt very alone.

When he arrived at the hotel, he just wasn't ready to go inside and he definitely was not tired enough to fall asleep. The beach seemed to beckon in the moonlight, and it took less than a minute for him to begin walking out on the sand.

The waves crashed against the shore, providing the only sound other than the wind. Then Jess caught sight of a shadow near the shore, illuminated by the lights from the hotel.

"Rory?"

She looked up. "Hi, Jess."

He eased himself down next to her on the sand and stared out at the ocean. "Do you ever feel like your life has to just be some sick joke?"

"Yeah, when I think about the fact that if Luke and my mom get married you and I will be related." Rory's face remained serious until Jess looked at her with his mouth open, and she giggled. "Sorry, I know you were trying to be serious."

Jess shrugged. "It's okay. I didn't really expect a real answer anyway."

Rory watched the moonlight as it reflected off the waves, marveling at the calm and the peace that the ocean could provide.

"Rory?" Jess swallowed.

"Yeah?" She turned to look at him.

"Are you sure about this?"

Rory frowned. "About what?" she asked, biting her lip.

"About us." Jess took her hand and ran his thumb slowly over the back of her hand. "I'm stuck with all of this, they're my family after all, but you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Rory leaned closer to put her head on his shoulder. "You were right you know," she told him. "Back when you came to my dorm? We are supposed to be together." She squeezed his hand. "No matter what."

"I've been thinking about this a lot." Jess lay down on his back in the sand, pulling Rory with him to snuggle against his side. "I feel like I'm being selfish, asking you to be a part of my uncertain future."

Rory traced patterns on Jess' chest, through his t-shirt. "You aren't selfish because you never asked. If I hadn't wanted to be a part of this, to be with you, I wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of coming to California, would I?"

"Guess not."

"Sasha's really something," Rory said. "She's so strong."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, she is. I probably wouldn't have stayed out here as long as I did if it hadn't been for Sasha."

With Rory curled against his side, Jess couldn't help wishing things were different. He wished that he wasn't such a coward, because while he could live with the uncertainty of not knowing whether he had the gene or not, Rory didn't deserve to saddle herself with someone with whom she could have no future with.

"What do you want to do after Yale?" Jess asked suddenly.

Rory took her time in answering. "Well, I always wanted to be a journalist, but at the same time I think I've always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted someone to come home to at the end of the day, at the end of an assignment. You know, husband, kids, that kind of thing."

"Makes sense." Jess nodded. "I never thought about my future before," he admitted. "I never had any idea what I wanted to do, so I just figured I'd let it happen and stop thinking about it."

And what a great way that worked out, he added silently.

Rory's breathing was getting slower.

"Don't fall asleep," Jess warned her, shaking her shoulder a little.

"Mmmhmm," she murmured, snuggling closer. "Love you, Jess."

Jess stopped breathing for a moment when he realized what she had just said and for the first time, really gave consideration to getting the test.

***

 

When Rory woke up she was back in the hotel room she had shared with Liz (Jess was in an adjoining room) and it was morning.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Liz said. She was standing in the middle of the room wearing nothing but jeans and a white lace bra.

Rory squinted. "Morning," she croaked, pushing herself up on her elbows. "Um, were you awake when I came back last night?"

"You bet." Liz held a pink blouse up to her body. "What do you think?"

Rory blinked.

"You're right. Pink has never been my color," Liz chattered on. Seeing the expression on Rory's face, she laughed. "You are dead to the world when you're asleep. Jess carried you in and I pulled your jeans off before I tucked you in."

"Oh." Rory swallowed. "Um, thanks."

Liz danced over to her suitcase. "No problem. Hey, do you have a shirt I could borrow?"

Rory couldn't help but laugh. "Sure. Go crazy."


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Seventeen**

Jess snuck off that morning to meet with Jimmy's lawyer and sign the papers that would give him authority over Jimmy's heath decisions when he became too sick to make them for himself.

The pen felt heavy in his hand as he signed, but Jess felt strongly that he was doing the right thing by honoring Jimmy's wishes. He purposely chose to walk from the lawyer's office instead of taking a cab, prolonging the time when he would have to say goodbye to Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily.

Their plane didn't leave until four that afternoon, so he knew there was plenty of time. Too much time in Jess' opinion. He found himself lingering by the beach, taking up residence on a wooden bench and watching the skateboarders zip around, terrorizing tourists for sport.

Jess had been thinking a lot since that night. Rory's sleepy admission that she loved him had him running scared. It had echoed in his mind for hours after he carried Rory up to her room.

Rory had always seen things in him that he had never been able to see. She believed in him, saw in him a better man than he actually was. He had trouble understanding what exactly she saw in him, but he was addicted to her. Even if he did not deserve her at all, he couldn't bear the thought of letting her go.

Unless of course, he had the gene.

The gene changed everything. If Jess had the Huntington's gene it affected more than just his life. Rory had made it clear to him that she wanted to be a part of his future, but he might not have one.

Jess thought about watching her clear blue eyes flutter closed as she dozed on his chest the night before, thought about the sweet strawberry scented shampoo he could smell on her hair.

Rory was one of a kind, and she deserved the best.

Jess paused just under a block from Sasha and Jimmy's house and made up his mind right then and there. He would get the test. It was better to find out now so he could plan accordingly for his life.

If he didn't have the gene, he could stop living in fear and move on. Hopefully, he could get his act together and form some sort of life that he could live with Rory.

But if he did have the gene…

Jess knew what he had to do.

***

 

Rory hugged Sasha and Lily goodbye. Jimmy she just waved to through the bedroom doorway since he wasn't feeling good that day. Sasha and Liz hugged like old friends, which Rory found disturbing and comforting, all at the same time.

Jess… well, he was Jess. He stood to one way and allowed Lily to squeeze the stuffing out of him and Sasha to rumple his hair, all the while with a half-hearted scowl on his face.

The ride to the airport was much like it had been back in Connecticut, with Liz chattering on about TJ and a few other subjects Rory and Jess could have lived without hearing the intimate details about, and Jess sitting off to one side silently.

But the silence was a little abnormal, even for Jess.

He carried both his carry on and Liz's through the airport without once complaining, even when Rory accidentally rolled her bag over his toes. He didn't get so much as a package of M&M's when they grabbed munchies on their way to the terminal.

In fact, Jess did not so much as roll his eyes when the teenage girl in front of them blasted Eminem through her Walkman at a level to which everyone on the plane could hear.

Rory chanced one more glance at him as the seat belt signs went off. He was being way too quiet, and it terrified her.

***

 

"Yeah, Friday at ten is fine." Jess hung up the phone just as Luke entered the apartment.

Luke swallowed. "Hey."

"Hey." Jess squirmed.

Luke gestured to the phone. "What was all that about?"

Jess hesitated.

"You don't have to tell me," Luke continued, hurriedly.

"I'm getting the test," Jess blurted out.

Luke froze. "Test? You mean… the test?"

Jess nodded slowly.

"Oh, wow." Luke took a step forward and awkwardly patted him on the shoulder. "You um, wow."

"Yeah." Jess stared at the floor. "Do you think you could give me a ride?"

Luke stared, hardly believing the slightly vulnerable side to Jess which he was currently seeing. "Of course I'll give you a ride."

"Good." Jess nodded, eyes still on the floor.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Eighteen**

"I'm just saying that if he had cracked so much as a single Curious George book while he was in high school than the kid would not be such an idiot."

A knock on the door interrupted Paris' tirade and gave Rory an escape. She opened the door to find Jess standing uncomfortably in the dorm hallway.

"Hey," she said, surprised to find him there.

"Hey." Jess had his hands stuffed in his pockets, so he only leaned his neck forward to peer into the room. "Hey Paris."

Paris eyed him with an obvious look of distain. "I suppose you want me to leave."

"You don't have to," Rory said semi-seriously. It was, after all, Paris' room too.

Paris grabbed her bag. "I have some stuff to do at the paper anyway. Hang a sock on the door if I won't want to come back." She pushed past them and walked purposefully down the hallway.

Rory smiled. "Don't mind her, she's kind of in a funk today." She stepped back. "Um, do you want to come in?"

Jess nodded and slipped inside. When Rory had shut the door behind him he leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"It's kind of a mess." Rory gestured, then folded her arms. "Not to get all girly on you or anything, but you haven't been around much lately."

"Yeah, sorry about that, but…"

Rory waited, but Jess seemed to lose his train of thought and never finished explaining. "Is Jimmy okay?" she asked gently, biting her lip.

"He's fine," Jess said quickly. "This isn't about him, it's about me."

"Oh." Rory swallowed.

"I've decided to take the test."

"Oh." Her eyes widened. What did that mean? "That's… that's great. Isn't it? I mean, it is a good thing, isn't it?"

"Sort of."

Rory squirmed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure," Jess said honestly. "I have to tell you something, and I'm not sure how you're going to react."

"Oh." Rory took a few steps and sat down on the edge of the floral loveseat her grandmother had purchased when she first arrived at Yale. "I guess you had just better tell me then."

Jess removed his hands from his pockets and sat down beside her. "You're not going to like it," he warned her.

"Just tell me."

"I love you."

Rory stared. "Is there a but? Because unless there's a but I can't imagine why you would think I wouldn't like that."

"There's a but," Jess said softly. "A big one."

Rory took another breath. "I love you too," she whispered.

Jess squeezed his eyes closed with the emotion. "Don't," he murmured, opening his eyes. "Not yet. Not until I tell you what I have to say."

"Then tell me."

"I thought a lot about this," Jess began, then decided to cut to the chase when he saw the look in Rory's eyes. "Rory if I have the gene…"

"Oh my god." Rory stared at him. "Please tell me you are not trying to say what I think you are going to say."

Jess blinked. "Rory, I-"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I am not going to just sit back and let you dump me if you have the gene! Our relationship doesn't work that way, Jess. You don't get to decide what I can handle or not."

Jess stood up. "This isn't up for discussion."

"You can't be serious." Rory looked up at him.

"It's for the best," Jess insisted.

Rory felt tears welling up in her eyes. "Do I at least get to come with you? Or do I have to stay here and torture myself alone?"

"Luke is driving me to the clinic on Friday."

"I'm coming," she told him when he didn't say she could not be there. "I'm not letting you do this alone."

Rory twisted a strand of hair roughly. Jess had insisted that she and Luke wait in the car. He hadn't wanted anyone coming into the clinic with him, or even being in the waiting room.

She supposed that she had to respect that wish.

***

 

It was torture, for her and Luke both. She could tell how nervous he was by the way he kept clenching and unclenching his jaw.

She didn't talk to him, she couldn't. All she could think about was that both Jess and her's futures were being decided in that brick building.

Every time the front door opened she held her breath but it was another twenty minutes before the person leaving the building was the one she was anxiously waiting for.

Unable to wait so much as another second longer, Rory pushed open the car door and ran over to him. "Jess?" she whispered, not wanting to ask but desperately needing him to say something, anything.

Jess looked over her shoulder to Luke, who had followed her. After everything that had happened, after all that he had gone through, he had finally done it.

He had finally had the courage to take the test.

He reached one hand up to stroke Rory's cheek. "I love you," he whispered, and with that he broke down, falling into her and Luke's arms, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks as he sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huntington's is real and terrible, both for the afflicted and the family around them. Children of a parent with the disease have a 50% chance of inheriting the disease. Genetic testing exists, but cannot tell you when the disease will begin or what symptoms will come first. Some elect not to take the test, some can't stand not knowing. Having the gene is an early death sentence. The disease usually appears in your 30's or 40's. There is no treatment to alter the course of the disease. 
> 
> Originally, there was going to be a sequel to this story, which obviously never happened. I wrote part of a chapter, which if I can ever find I will post as a 'bonus' chapter. If you'd like to know whether or not I planned on Jess having the gene, leave a review or a message and I'll tell you. Personally I kind of like leaving it open ended, but I also told a lot of friends who just needed to know. :)


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